The Feeling Is Mutual

feelings are mutual

He asked me what I thought about his return after a nearly two month hiatus.

I told him I wasn’t surprised.

He asked how I knew.

I said, I just always thought you would.

That is actually quite true, but not for any logical reason.

Everyone I know has at one time or another told me to forget him, that I am wrong, that the spiritual reasons I ascribe to knowing him are nonsense.

The kindest friend just said, and rightfully so, I am glad he let you go if he couldn’t come to you.

Another friend once said,”Well don’t listen to me.  What the hell do I know?  Just follow your gut.”

I always have.

I think his leaving for a while without a word gave me a great chance to meet other people and do other things, and I really made great use of that time.

This year has been a whirlwind and we are finally seeing a lot of action, after a long time of just seeing contemplation and no follow through.

But even I was surprised by the timing of his return and what he said when he got here.

This one has made me crazy, teased me, ignored me, not come through for me, and made me the happiest I have ever been.

Someone once described my relationship with my ex-husband as 60%/40%, and they were right, up until the time it became 10%/90%.  Funny enough, it eventually settled at around 50%/50% after the divorce and I think we are both much happier this way, in general and with each other.

So it irked me when last summer I was on my way out the door on a date and my soon-to-be ex-husband said to me,”Are you seeing the one that lives in (insert his town here)?” and I had to say no.  The smirk on my husband’s face when he asked let me know that he could tell I was completely smitten, even though I had barely mentioned this person’s existence and I forget why I even did.

No one knows you like an ex though.  They miss nothing.

I used to tell this man that he was special, an exception to my usual rules, but I never told him why.

The reason is that in addition to knowing why I am in his life in the overall puzzle, his soul came to see me last summer. I have never before and never since had anyone’s soul come to see me, just to help me out during a rough time.

Never.

So when everyone told me I was being foolish, I agreed that I probably was but I had to see this through, no matter how it turns out, because I knew this was special and different.

I kept getting messages that the relationship would be a failure if it didn’t come up to 50%/50% effort, if he was not made to step up, and we all know how I am not great with boundaries.

I just never expected him to step up on his own volition.  I thought I was going to have to force it.  I didn’t.

He came ready and I just had to push him back over the line to his side a few times when he crossed my boundaries and came into my circle.

The two month break let me have my independence and time to myself, and I accomplished a lot, including simply feeling detached from him and drama-free.

Still I don’t think a day went by that he didn’t at least cross my mind.  Yet, distantly.

Three days before I heard from him again, I was home from work because stomach flu was sweeping through my house and I was watching my youngest child.  I was almost asleep when I suddenly saw him standing there, in the middle of the room, in the exact same place he once stood when I was trying to teach him to breathe as he was panicking.

It was like he was standing right there, head to toe, except that I could see through him.

I asked him,”What are you doing here?” but of course got no answer.

Then I saw the deep cobalt blue infinity symbol which I always see when he is thinking of me.  It appears in my mind’s eye as wrapped around his neck on one end and mine on the other.  It is like a flowing river of deep blue energy, binding us together.

I should have realized that he would be back momentarily, but I had prepared myself to wait a lot longer for his return so I really didn’t think that at the time.

When I heard from him on Monday morning, I remembered.

He said something that triggered me a couple of days later, and it catapulted me right back to our struggles of last year.  I was being over-sensitive and I knew it.  Right away the i-ching let me know that we were just having a minor miscommunication.

He heard the tone though and he asked me had he said something wrong?  He would not drop it until I had spilled that I was concerned he would not come through.  He said, you think I am backing out already? I told him that I did.  He told me, my mind did not change.  A couple of days later he said that he put visiting me on his list and that’s when I knew that he had really made up his mind.

There are any number of people whom I see easily, with none of these issues and in fact, no issues.

There are others who come with their own problems, but none nearly as severe and significant.

I still like this one the best and always have.

I guess we do know our soul friends, the ones we have committed to do things with that truly matter, that are the deepest and most compelling.  As long as the element of one-sided drama is not activated like it has been in the past, I think I am safe to take a step forward with him and just see what happens next.

I heard a song in my head that I have always associated with him, it is one that my team member sent to me nearly a year ago to represent this man.

The lyric is all we have to do is get a little faith in you.

I always thought it referred to me getting the faith in him.  But my team turned it around on me this week.  They said,”How about you have a little faith in him this time?”