Dating Smart Men and Ghosts

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Messages From Spirit

“It is hard for people to be in the space you are currently in, with you.  You will find the man who will walk with you, not pull you in the other direction.  He won’t make himself small.  He will just come with you.” – Prince via Lisa W

That rang all kinds of bells with me.  In my last major relationship I felt like I was constantly being pulled out of myself and into the man’s orbit.  The idea that someone would be balanced and strong enough in himself to be completely comfortable with me, no matter how I may change, and just walk with me, made all kinds of sense and felt like something to look forward to.

Trust Your Gut

I feel like I must say this constantly to friends – here is my opinion, but trust your gut.

For a while it drove me crazy when I kept getting the same refrain from some of my friends, not all, when I told them about the men I’ve been seeing this year.

They always want me to make it permanent, as if that is my goal and could be my only goal.

Whatever happened to dating, just to date?  To meet different people, have experiences, and learn new things about yourself while you get to know someone new?

If it’s obvious to my friends that it can’t be a long-term relationship, like a boyfriend or a future husband, they’d say “but you do know that can’t work” or “too bad he isn’t the one, he would have been perfect for you.”

Most of our relationships aren’t permanent, we have very few long-term ones in a romantic way, by its very nature.

After being married twice, and the last one for twenty years, I’ve done more dating since the divorce than I probably ever did, and with two kids at home I barely get out, so that tells you how little dating I did before!

Don’t I deserve the chance to just meet new people, with zero agenda other than to discover them?

It is funny how many people just bounce from one relationship to the next, sometimes even allowing them to overlap, and call it good.

I am in no such rush.  I’d like to be as sure as a person can be, and not out of defensiveness or fear, but just out of common sense.

The slower you go, the more you learn, the more chance to experience what you are like together through ups and downs, the higher the odds that you can make a common sense choice are, and not one with your rose-colored glasses on…because I do own a pair!

Finding My Voice

What I have found in the dating experience is…my voice.

When I was married, I didn’t have one.  I didn’t know how to ask for my needs to be met.  I always was worried there was going to be fallout, or it would be taken wrong, and by the way this is all on me, not my husband, whom I am sure would have preferred if I had just said what I wanted.  He told me so on many occasions.

I found my voice after.  Very slowly.  Tentatively.  With practice.

Until one day I could say any damn thing I really felt and meant, without much fear, if any at all.  I could put myself out there and express any loving emotion without worrying about it being returned.  I could put it out there because it felt good to let them know that I valued them.

I have had some relationships that have stood up to some time.  When we began we knew it couldn’t be permanent.  There are many reasons, some are because they want their own children and I am way too old for that, or because they never wanted to be a dad and I have young children, or because they had a girlfriend when I met them…the list goes on.

At some point you do have to try to get beyond this stage and move into trying to recognize relationships that could actually work, and give them a try…but it is not easy!

The Scorpio

When I first started seeing him everyone told me to “be warned” or “watch out” and I could not make any sense of it because I was reading him as a great partner.

He did turn out to be a great partner and I have had a ton of fun with him.

But they also had a point because he did have a problem.  Remember the ghost on the ceiling?

She visited me in bed in the middle of the night and in my half awake state I had to call in AA Michael to see her out.

It crossed my mind that I should clear my house of any energies that did not belong, and it crossed my mind again the next time he was planning to visit.  I am not sure where this came from but I asked that my home remain cleared of all negative energies and that he not be allowed across the threshold unless he was cleared of any and all attachments at the door.

Our relationship improved tremendously and we started having more fun together.  Everything felt more lighthearted.

So what was the thing that everyone (and I do mean everyone) was warning me about?

I asked in Tarot group, and my friend said,”It was the girl that was attached to him, of course.”

Ohhh.  I am not sure why that didn’t occur to me!  Over the last number of months that I have known him, no one else has popped up with a warning, out of nowhere, like they were in the beginning, so I guess that really was it.

The difference was in my perception.

I would not have ever thought that was a reason to be wary of the man.  I was thinking that maybe he was dangerous to me, which he totally is not.  That would have been a valid reason to stay away, but a ghost??  In my mind, there is help for that, and it would not slow me down in getting to know the man.

 The Libra, Turning Up Like A Bad Penny

One I dated once over the summer came back (and by the way I will be damned how after long periods of time, people do come back to try again!). I was able to have a really frank conversation with him, ask for his feedback, and I suggested that maybe we just didn’t have that elusive thing we (annoyingly) call chemistry because we don’t know what else to call it.  He said was that what was wrong?  We agreed we could hang out as friends – because for some reason he felt compelled to come back, and I don’t really expect it to happen, but you never know.

It is now easy for me to have open conversations, because I lost the fear of the fallout.  People are generally…much kinder than I expected them to be.  Did I finally learn to set good boundaries?  Sure.  That was a huge lesson for me.

There is The Libra though. He is one I dated briefly in the beginning, we went out all of twice, and although I stood on my head to be perfectly clear and I drew a very firm line in the sand, he refused to go away.

He is the kind of person that you don’t block, because if he tries to sneak up on you, you want to be forewarned that he is near and coming.

It was the only truly disrespectful relationship I feel I have had.  I might not have always appreciated how some attempted to use me, but at least they were honest about it.

The Libra painted a picture where he very clearly appeared to be a divorced dad of two kids.  It turned out that he was not only still married, but “separated” and still living in the house with his wife, she just traveled a lot for business.

Now I don’t know about you, but my first thought was I wonder if the wife thinks they are separated?! 

The reason that I will never know for sure is that when I said you made it look like you were divorced! he claimed it was the same thing.  He said he never lied to me, and basically made himself “right” through the most stunning attempt at justification that I think I may ever have witnessed.

I told him that he lied to me, and the equivalent of “never darken my door again” but for over a year he has been trying to come back.  He is now at about the twenty messages with no reply from me stage, maybe more, but I still heard from him four times last week.  He tried texting.  He tried the dating app where we met.  One Sunday morning early he even had the gall to call me at home.

No Commitment Until The Right One Comes Along

While I do know people who separated and immediately met their next husband, and it has been ten years and they are truly happy, immediate commitments are more typically to the wrong people…again.  They usually do split, or make the mistake of getting married and then getting divorced…again.

I suppose I have met a couple that, had the circumstances been right, I would have at least tried to see if it was worth seeing if it could work, but I think like the Virgo says, we met when the timing was wrong, “for a reason.”

My feeling is, and has always been, that I needed experience before I was ready to even think about committing to just one man.  It seems healthy and makes sense to me.  It is probably why the men I have seen have all been so different, and have taught me different things that for whatever reason I didn’t know.  Maybe they learned something from me, too.

The Virgo, The Aries, and The Scorpio have all been excellent teachers and I wouldn’t be this far along the path without them.  There have been no bad breakups, no harsh words, just more of a hey, it was great knowing you, thanks sort of feeling, and I still talk with them all.

Maybe it’s commitment phobia.  Maybe it’s partly just not being interested in making a big mistake. I just don’t feel ready because…I don’t sense the right guy in my field yet? Friends, yes.  Dates, yes.

There was one guy – and I could already feel into the potential with him, and found it pretty boring – one guy who did not light me up, who I did not find at all intriguing or exciting, but there was nothing wrong with him on paper.  The idea that I might be “stuck” with just the one – wrong – one, practically gave me hives.

I don’t worry about saying no anymore.  I don’t worry about being wrong.  I was told that I attract “emotionally retarded” men – and that might be true!  I was told that if it “feels immediately good and right” that it could be a warning that I just met another emotionally incapable guy.  Maybe.

I said to my friend Paul today that I wish there were a book that could explain to me that whole area of how to know if they were or not, because even as an empath I seem to mess that part up.  He said there is, it’s called The Book – On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are by Alan Watts.  And you have it in your closet.  So I dragged it back out to give it another try.

Trust your gut, know where you are. It is perfectly okay to be experimenting, to dip your toe in, to not be fully ready.  Guess what – with all this practice, when the right one comes along, you’ll be ready.  So will I.