The Chapter You Walked In On

fearless

Lately I’ve been observing the misjudgments and mistakes come and go…both for myself and for other people.

It’s like in meditation.  When the thoughts come, you send them off in a thought bubble and watch them float away from your consciousness.

Except now, I watch my assumptions about others being constantly turned on their head, to the point where I no longer make any assumptions.  Should they pop into my head, I tell them no and ask them to leave.

Lately it feels as if everything is being delayed from coming into being.  When the universe hits the pause button and asks you to slow it down to a crawl, you know it’s time to go into observation mode before you get the 2 x 4 to the head.  So I have been waiting and watching, making some plans but not being surprised in the least when they get cancelled, postponed, or changed.

Just Sitting On The Porch

Empaths feel the energy of others and sometimes of the whole world, even when they are sitting on their porch intentionally ignoring the news of the world.  At this point I don’t need to turn on media to be aware how things are shifting.

On the scale of introversion to extroversion, my marker sits just to the left of the line which divides the two, which means I will be social and then go hide for a while until I recover from all of the activity.

My 23 year old nephew from my husband’s side, who has been staying with me for the last two months, laughs at me when I refer to it as “my social life.”  He says the term is so antiquated that I am showing my age.

Showing my age has turned out to be something I am proud of.  The lessons learned between 23 and 49 are vast.  They could fill an ocean.  The only way to get here from there is to be lucky enough to survive the in-between.

There has been a theme of Fun running through these times.  I joke about dating being Fun but I could just as easily say talking philosophy with friends is Fun, and learning about shamanism is Fun and putting together the new dog bed is Fun.  It is all Fun.

It’s fun because I choose to enjoy the moments now.  I really never did that when I was married.  It was hard.

They say that opportunity dances with those already on the dance floor.  I am finding that to be true.

I could not have imagined how much fun I would have, had you asked me a few months ago.

Plenty of tears and frustration and misunderstandings also.  But overall, fun.

“On the dance floor, as much as you say, ‘Ladies, you are the car, he is the driver.  You can only go where he takes you,’ they still try to be in control.” – Len Goodman

Incidentally, I am now officially divorced (again) and it feels good.  It feels good mainly because I needed to have space to move right along to whatever is next for me, but at the same time he has hurtled ahead in the game of life.  Part of me feels a bit left behind but knows I am now finally free to live my path and walk it my way.

Every experience in meeting new people and doing new things feels different than it ever did before.  I realized that who you hitch your wagon to makes an astoundingly different personal experience, so I am just wandering along paying very close attention to who gets my attention at all, and being as present to them as I possibly can when I am with them or interacting with them.

The cast of characters who have come out of the woodwork to meet me is diverse, challenging, and endlessly interesting.  It’s as if I’ve been sent male guides on my journey, some of them old and some of them new…and sometimes new guides come along to help me with the guide who came before.

I do love my brilliant friends and partners…I guess they feel like partners more than anything else because when they walk with me, we are working on our stuff, from a philosophical point of view mostly, and just generally having fun figuring it all out or just being in relationship to each other.

“I’m glad I’ve been wrong enough to keep in practice. . . You can’t avoid it, you’ve got to learn to handle it. If you only come face to face with your own mistakes once or twice in your life it’s bound to be extra painful. I face mine every day–that way they ain’t usually much worse than a dry shave.”
― Larry McMurtry, Lonesome Dove

my story

Powerful Changes and Transformation

A friend said the other day that she didn’t like the look on my face, that she’d rather see me like I was a few months ago, smiling and laughing.  The look on her face was one of complete and total judgment. Then another friend said, well it’s no wonder Julie has that look on her face, look at what she has been through lately!

Then she started reeling off the list of things, and it made me realize how powerful the changes have been lately.  I hadn’t been paying much attention to the events, because a lot of them were happening to other people around me, not to me directly exactly, and yet it’s true that I am impacted.

Recent events include getting divorced, losing my children for the summer, taking in my nephew for the year, finding out my husband’s girlfriend is pregnant, having to manage my children’s reaction to that, having my husband come and go, some challenges at work, my father being sick, and a whole lot of dating and relating that I am just not used to, which has changed the dynamic of everything.  And those are just a few of the things from the last few weeks, not all of them.

I am sort of stunned by it all, on one level, sitting back and just taking it all in.  But in another way, all of these things were anticipated and I really cannot say much of it suprises me.  These are transitional times and with transition comes learning and chaos and waiting and learning patience and a whole lot of just sitting with what is.

I was talking with my old friend Paul for nearly three hours last night, and he made me sort through what changes all of this has made in me and my approach.  He forced me to walk my talk and I started to process a whole lot that had been sitting at the back of my brain, just waiting to be integrated.

I’ve learned that you don’t jump the gun with assumptions or get angry at cancelled dates, or plans that don’t happen…you wait to hear the explanation…if there is one.  Sometimes there isn’t one offered, and you just cross that person off the list and move right along…that information is useful and you can be grateful for it.

There is a huge level of appreciation that comes from the other person when you just stay open and kind in your response, because often life threw them a curveball and you don’t need to add to their troubles.  To me, that is a basic, like baseline human.

I’ve been surprised by how much appreciation I’ve been on the receiving end of, just by being flexible and kind…which I consider a natural way of being.  So it always makes me wonder, how do other people act, if what I just did, being basically polite and considerate, not even going out of my way at all, is so appreciated that it is commented on?

I’ve had a few conversations that left me nonplussed.  There are things that I consider a standard of taking care of your man, that I hear from my men friends that they lack in their relationships, and I am appalled that other women do not do these things.  It makes me wonder how they keep their boyfriends, at all.  It also makes me wonder why the men accept and tolerate that kind of behavior.  I always say, I want to know what her excuse is.  There is never an answer.

Paul made me realize that I have finally given up on wanting to know the Why behind people’s behavior.  I cannot tell you how many hundreds of hours of my life I have gotten back by simply knowing that I don’t need to know the Why.  You can simply take the behavior in at face value and be okay with it, knowing that for you that’s a No. Sometimes knowing it’s a No is all the information that you ever needed.

I am just standing here in my own energy, with my own boundaries…perhaps for the first time, ever.