Getting Into Integrity Sometimes Means Getting Out Of It First

the body

I used to see ethics as purely black and white.  Behavior was either good or bad.  I was gifted with an unending ability to see every possible shade of grey, but then I judged it, categorized it.

Part of the divorce process, or “marriage dissolution” as they call it in the courts in Florida, has dissolved my illusions around what things look like and what they really are.

Example, someone is in a relationship and they seek another relationship without telling the first party.  Usually this is called cheating.  On the surface, we would consider this bad behavior and the person as out of alignment and not in their integrity, because a lie is involved, a breaking of the trust.

But what if there were separate, or even combined, soul contracts amongst the three people involved?  What if the two who we would judge as cheating were actually under a healing contract?  And what if…it actually helped to heal the first relationship?

Somewhere along the way, I stopped blaming my last husband and his current wife for cheating and betrayal.  I realized it last night when he brought my boys back from their summer overseas with him.  Last time I saw him, two months ago, we were married.  Now he is remarried with a baby on the way at the age of 47.

I asked him to see the wedding pictures, and there were my boys with their father and his new wife, and all of the family members who used to be my family, and instead of feeling the expected jealousy or grief, I just felt glad I didn’t have to go.

What an odd reaction, right?  Yet that must be what happens after healing.

This woman is in my old shoes, and I do not want to be there anymore.  I didn’t fully realize that it is just as simple as that.  I still care for him and love him but not in that way.  Twenty years were plenty.  We had a good run.

Right now I have no one in my life exactly, but I have men around me.  The Virgo stood in my house the other day and asked me,”Why am I so nervous?  I don’t know why I am?”

The Virgo Came Back

That’s right, the Virgo came back. My colleague told me that her Virgo returned after 3 years, out of nowhere, and so did mine, the very next day.  I kind of knew he would, the moment she said it.

He texted me a simple “hello.”  You’d think nothing of this unless you knew that my Virgo has his life so private, so on lock down, that although I’ve known him for four months, he chose not to disclose his phone number to me until that morning.  I chose to accept that, because I know how he is, and that he had to work up to me.

He didn’t say who it was, just a hello, but I knew.  I knew it in the same way that I knew it every time he messaged me before.  Anyone who messaged me at the website had the same notification light that popped up on my phone, but it always seemed to glow a little more when it was him.  I know that sounds silly, but I could almost always tell when it was him rather than someone else.

If I hadn’t cleared the Virgo from my field the previous weekend, I could not have handled the way he presented himself to me when he showed back up in my life.  I would not have been prepared.

Finally, I am starting to self-identify in the new relationships with various men.  Meaning, my empathic self took a big step back and can now see what is his and what is mine.  I do not codependently merge instantly with everyone anymore, but I do still see the healing contracts.  Now I can see both sides, what I need instead of just what he needs.

Ready To Run

I used to joke that my last husband and I always had exactly a nine minute conversation.  In the course of nine minutes we could share what came up in the last 24 hours for each of us, as well as buy and sell properties, cure health crises, and fix the plumbing.  Any more than nine minutes and we started repeating ourselves and exhausting each other.

The Virgo never stays in my presence for more than 15 minutes, and sometimes it is 5.  Once it may not have exceeded sixty seconds – I really needed a stopwatch to be sure.  That was the day he met me to prove to me that he was “real” – an actual local.

We will each drive 30 to 45 minutes, after talking for hours or even days to set up the meeting, but once he arrives he is like a whirlwind, fleet of foot.  Like Mercury – here one second, gone the next – except this last time.

He was a nervous wreck seeing me, I think each time it gets worse for him.  Whenever he sees me, he thinks he is doing something he is not supposed to be doing, and yet he continues to be compelled to do it.

Right as he disappeared the last time, I stood in the parking lot, got very still, and zeroed in on the center of my intuition to ask if he was leaving and if so, was it forever- were we done now?

My system said oh hell no.  But I needed some perspective.

If I hadn’t done the clearing work, I would have been too attached to him to snap to in that moment when he asked a very serious question.  I had to do some very quick calculations in my head.  I realized I had approximately 30 seconds to figure out what was going on between us, as suddenly everything seemed to tilt sideways, and communicate it to him in a way that he would understand.

How Do You Get Into Integrity When You Think You Aren’t

His system was working to get him into integrity.  If you look at it as an outsider, you might judge the situation and say it was the wrong thing, that he was out of integrity.  Suddenly the next phase became crystal clear to me.  I saw what work we are doing together.  I could see his blatant fear, which was coming out as nerves.

I explained my viewpoint very succinctly in about four sentences.  He looked at me at first in doubt, when I made a suggestion of something he might consider.  Then I spoke about us, and when I explained my point of view, he looked like a lightbulb went on, and he thanked me several times then and later for adding that.

He is living a life that misses some very obvious (to me) keys.  He hangs on to that part as if it is a lifeline, but actually it is a safe place for him to hide behind.  After we are done with our work, he doesn’t have to get rid of that part, but he might find that it is now fully congruent with who he really is, or he may look again and see that he has to dump it.  I just don’t know.

To me, getting honest and real, seeing yourself for who you are and what you need, is what allows you to make good choices.

I live in the middle of nowhere off a road that no one but the motorcycle gangs, racecar drivers, and truckers seem to know about.  But if you go three neighborhood streets over, to that main road, and head in a straight line for a while, you run directly into his house, just about.  When I saw it on a map, I laughed, and thought my last husband knew what he was doing when he moved us here, almost as if he had a map of my future over a decade down the line.

I am not sure if seeing me again and listening to what I had to say makes him want to run away harder or if it made him feel better – maybe both.

Big Trouble

From the moment I met him I was afraid to look at him very closely, because I knew if I really saw what was there it would let me know one way or the other if we had soul work to do together.  At first it was just a photo, and I zoomed in as if to do a reading and I knew instantly I was in big trouble.

What I never expected was for him to feel the same way.

As I stood there the other day looking into emerald eyes full of uncertainty and pain, I realized this soul work was quite serious and had some huge lessons imbedded in it, only some of which are beginning to be revealed.

I could listen to my wiser friends who look at it as a question of how he limits the information and how available he has been, which is to say not very.

Or I could listen to my intuition, which has said all along that there is quite a lot to learn here, and it will not be without pain, but to follow the unfolding path and set stronger boundaries.

He asked me to meet and instead of allowing him to waste my time at work dithering over it or getting plans cancelled for the umpteenth time, I told him to tell me when, and no changing it – if he said he would be there and he was not, I wanted the death certificate proving it, delivered to me personally by his ghost.

Yes, I can be dramatic sometimes, but I meant it.

So far the one thing I have said all along is, never change – you just do you.  That whatever he is, I like it, and it matches me, and I need it in my life to learn from.  It is so in synch that like the photo, it simply calls to me.

I know we will not end up together, too much age difference and…we just won’t.  I know he is critical to my learning path, though.

As one of my intuitive friends said to me when I was doubting my intelligence for involving myself, you have a contract together, you might as well see it through. You’ve got nothing to lose.

The first thing he taught me was that he was someone I could ask for advice when I was confused, and he always gave a solid, no-nonsense answer…and his advice always worked.

I then learned that he was the first person in my life – well okay, the second, because I do have a male friend I do this with also – that I could relate to (in a romantic way) that I could be completely, 100% honest with all of the time, just say exactly what I think and feel, and always be accepted.

Any quirky areas where I might veer a little too much into the intuitive realm from any other man’s point of view, he would handle beautifully and I always felt comfortable.  Here and there he would joke “it’s a sign!” and I knew I would always be safe with him in the way I needed to be.

After he gave me his phone number, just a tiny act of faith on his part, all of the facts started to drop into place.  I began to see that though he may have given me little, and though most people would say “that’s not nearly good enough”, everything he had told me was the truth.  My intuition said “stay with this, show him fully and transparently who you are, so he does not have to overthink it or worry, and accept that nothing will be given in return just yet – but when it is, it will be honest.” And it was.

Maybe it’s nothing, but when I was out with the Scorpio last weekend, there was a huge owl, well over a foot tall, sitting waiting for me on my second car when I arrived home.  The owl looked right at me and flew away.

The other night after I saw the Virgo, the owl, or a friend, arrived and sat on my back fence as I was talking to a friend about the visit…he swiveled his head around and stared right at me, then flew away.

I’m not sure what the significance of this was, other than the owl arrived after each date this past week, and on no other day, nor have I ever seen one this big staring right at me like that in the 11 years I have lived here.  I hope it doesn’t mean an ending, but if it does, it does.  I doubt it.