Relax Nothing Is Under Control


Most people get upset when they see those words: relax – nothing is under control.

We want rather desperately to feel like everything is within our control.  We want to feel that the power to manipulate results and have things come out our way is up to us.

I’m Getting Nervous

Usually I start to get a little nervous a week or so before a visit.  There are a number of reasons for that, and it is predictable.

Something really unusual and possibly alarming started happening medically, but I didn’t make time to see the doctor yet because…

Things started to get crazy at work.

Then I was walking down the stairs, leaving a meeting, with my mind reeling a bit.  I hit the landing and went through the doorway at a slightly funny angle and barely knocked my foot into the wall.

I felt my ankle twist.  The next morning, it was my entire lower back, my right hip and that right ankle.

I stood waiting for my coffee to brew and realized that everything was just slightly out of alignment.

Kind of like my life.

It was one of those “forced to rest” weekends, and I was better by Monday.  It was agreed that we wouldn’t take on that extra project at work.  Things seemed to be falling back into place.

Things To Think About…That Will Change Everything

But…a few weeks ago it was suggested that I should move out of this house so it could be sold.

That brought up a whole slew of issues from where to go, how to stay in the school district, if I should keep our three dogs and two cats (that’s five, folks) when no one would rent to us and having them severely limited housing options for purchase, the virtual impossibility of getting a mortgage until 12 months of child support payments could be shown to the bank…and on down the rabbit hole.

If you’ve ever had pets, you know how heartbreaking it would be to part with them.  The kids don’t need another loss.  Yet…at some point, something has to change.

The thought was to either stay here or stay married a little longer until we can sort it out.  Staying here is tough because it’s huge, takes all weekend to clean, is where all of our twenty years of stuff is, with attached memories.  When my husband comes to visit, he still stays here because staying at a hotel for two weeks would cost thousands.  It’s also why I still maintain two cars.

People hear this and say we aren’t really getting divorced,  even if we eventually get the paperwork.  They say, what would a new man in your life think about your husband’s things being all over the place including your closet plus his toothbrush is on your sink! Everyone thinks that it would be best to move into town, out of the isolated country acreage.

It’s complicated and neither of us knows quite how to make it less so, right now.  Other people want to draw a hard line and say this or that should or should not happen, that living here is bad for my health, that I am dying on the vine and how much longer do I want to stay isolated since I just turned 49 and…

Nothing is under control.  Toss the coin anyway you want.  Being mean to each other purposefully and sticking with it just isn’t in anyone’s best interest.  Some day I am sure these things will change, but how they change is anyone’s guess. When we talked about me and the kids moving to a new house, the first thing he asked was, “Is there enough room in the garage for all of my tools?”

There are enough health issues going around that it’s anyone’s guess if we’ll both grow old or someone goes next month or next year.  Most of them just feel like they are going to do us in, but it’s just an uncomfortable problem that is currently making things like being able to work questionable.

No one ever knows about these things.  There’s life insurance but no one wants to have to use it.

All The Balls In The Air

People say to break things down into bite sized chunks.  I am usually very good with practical matters and I’ve always been the one to follow through with the professionals and the paperwork, keeping everything in order and getting it done.

Lately it’s been harder to keep all the balls in the air.  I’ve found that even if I have lists made, I just forget things.  I might have the paperwork signed, but forget to mail it in.  Two months go by and then…I can’t find it.

It’s probably because there is just too much going on overall.


It just feels like things are spiraling out of control more than they are staying in control.

Will I get a grip on it?  I assume so.  I always have so far.

Some days you get told you need a fairytale prince costume and a box of cookies in two days.  Things like this make me wild.  Obviously this is not a big problem, but what it does throw everything else off schedule.  When you realize that “fairytale prince costume” can also be a knight costume, and you go to the closet and pull one out…and it fits…and the child will agree to wear it because nothing is scratchy…you can feel euphoric, like you just won the lottery.

The Men Who Come And Go

There were some other wrinkles.  A few men have come and gone.  It’s amazing to me how much lives change in divorce, and how odd it is to be dating within the same group of people you might have dated in your twenties…except it’s twenty or thirty years later.

We all have changed enormously.  Some have retained their sense of humor and some aren’t recovered yet and some go back and forth every week with the kids.  Some have crazy schedules and some (raising my hand here) can’t get a babysitter to save their life.  Some have young children, some have grown children in college hitting their wallets and some never had kids and don’t understand those of us who do.  At all.

I just refuse to “look at reality” like most people want you to do.  I prefer to see it like “nothing is under control” in a good way.  We co-create.  That means there is someone at the other end.  There is always room for a miracle.

Soul contracts end, soul contracts begin. I could meet someone wonderful at some point.  The boys will (hopefully) grow up.  Can I guarantee that I will be here to see it?  Or that their Dad will?  No, I can’t, that’s not within my control.

A New Spirit Guide

This was the most subtle occurrence ever.  I heard the sound of the voice in my head, that voice we all have that sounds like us “talking” when we are thinking. At first I assumed it was just me, thinking.

I had problems instantly solved by having an idea pop to mind.  No matter how unrealistic and nutty they seemed, they always worked.

Everyone said to internet check any date before agreeing to meet him, just to be safe.  He had a common first name and at the time I didn’t know his last name.  It was the equivalent of searching for John in Boston and expecting to find him.

Then I heard, if you type in his first name, his employer, and the town he works in, you will find him.

Voice, I said, that is never going to work.

Voice said, yes it is.

So I did.  There he was, in the first result returned.

Maybe this won’t be so hard after all.