If It Isn’t One Thing It’s An MRI

chaos

On Monday night, the Jack Russel terrier licked another toad, and I spent 45 minutes rinsing her mouth out with the hose. We’ve had two emergency vet visits at over $1,000 this summer for poisoning because she thinks getting high that way won’t kill her, all evidence to the contrary.

On Tuesday my youngest son tripped OVER his hover board and may have broken his wrist.  Here I was, saying please don’t get on that thing, you’re going to break something when you fall off. Wrong again!

We rushed to the emergency clinic with the x-ray machine (ask me how I know) and we “just missed” the doctor who had to go home five minutes before closing to take care of her own child.

Yes, I called ahead.  Yes, the receptionist knew I was driving 25 minutes to get there right before the doors closed.  I asked her if that was okay and she said,”Yes, if you get here before 8:00.”

I did, no doctor, because the receptionist didn’t tell her I was coming with my nine-year old in screaming agony and crying, which she overheard on the phone. She also smart-mouthed me in front of her colleague to save herself, denying ever telling me any such thing, “I didn’t say THAT.”

On Wednesday we went back when they opened and the x-ray showed no breaks but it was inconclusive.

Thursday was the dentist.

Friday I went to walk my deck for exercise and slipped, it was wet from all the rain that’s been driving the toads inland into my back yard, and like I was on ice, I went down.  Flat on my back and left leg under itself at 6 am.

It turns out, when you are 50 this is not such a great idea.

Fall Down Seven Times, Stand Up Eight

My friends all had a week of injuries and traumas, both to themselves and to their pets.  It felt like the whole world was waiting in line for the MRI machine.

When Hurricane Irma came through, I was truly grateful for a lot of things, because in the end what could have been a disaster was just an ongoing…inconvenience.  There were bright spots and fun times within the disaster, and a lot of ridiculousness along with the tremendous graciousness of others.

We stayed with my dad and he cooked for us.  He had power, so my kids had internet and we all had air conditioning.  My dogs were in his garage and they were a giant pain in the butt, scared from being out of their environment, but we walked them a few times a day which is not something we do at home, and I met all the neighbors.

During the storm, I kept telling myself “everything right now is fine”, like a mantra.  The Scorpio texted to check in on me as the winds howled, thinking I was still at my house in the woods and worried about me.  I would close my eyes and I was shown an image of my home with not a breeze stirring.  It was like a golden Reiki image sitting around my land and home, and sure enough once I was able to drive the streets to check, not a thing was out of place there – even the two trees that had been down across the fence and the roof had not budged an inch, even though trees were down all around us.

One night, my son wanted to go on an “adventure” walking through my dad’s neighborhood in the dark, and the big kid surprisingly wanted to come too.  We had a long walk on a beautiful night as my oldest told me an absolutely fascinating story which showed me how his mind worked in a way I’d never understood before – and we would never have had that experience, if not for the hurricane.

God, Grant Me The Serenity

As we began to recover, after a week without power, we lost power again the next week for two days – awesome when it is 90 degrees out – from a lightning strike.

My day job is in the kind of business where all of your clients rely on you AFTER the hurricane, and here we were without power, or without internet, sweating, with our kids under foot because they closed the schools for a week and a half during Irma, and trying to put our houses and personal situations back in order, all while everyone needed us.  And practically nothing happened here.  It was a stressful time that could have ended so badly, and yet we had so much help and support we needed to be grateful.

It was week after week, thing after thing, and I THOUGHT I was dealing with it okay, recovering.

My back had gone out after the storm, probably from moving everything around during the storm prep. After a week or so, it seemed to be getting better, but my ankles and feet were giving me fits…and then I fell and the whole thing started all over again.

Entire islands were being wiped out, mass shootings were occurring, and the hurricanes kept on coming.

I spent a few weekends feeling frustrated but resting, because I had no choice.  I thought it was enough, but apparently not.

back

Then the men began, and that is what sent me over the edge.

On the day after my son had the wrist incident, one of them who I had not met yet asked how I was and I told him I was really stressed over the kid.  He said he wished I could have made some time for him that night.

Is he kidding? You don’t tell a single mom who is completely worried and frazzled,”Here, let me give you one more baby to deal with.”  It was not once with him, but a few times that he showed me he had no clue what it was like to be me, and how much responsibility I have.  He has no children.  I am sure he has not one clue what he did “wrong.” I need fun, and relief, not more things to do and people to care for.

Then the Scorpio showed his age and made me sigh.  Never make me sigh, it’s a very bad thing.  It means I’m giving up.  The theme was similar to what happened with the previous guy.

I told the Virgo that I was going to go home this weekend and hide, just put the covers over my head.  Just rest.  And even he said something that struck me wrong.

I don’t know what he meant exactly.  I’ve known that man a long time and I think this is the first thing he’s ever said to me that made me rise to the bait, that actually pissed me off and I didn’t even know I why I was upset. I knew it was me, not him – and in fact everyone was pretty much mirroring me and pointing out how I don’t have enough to give right now.

Naturally someone came along that could be more than casual, and everyone wanted to know what I was doing over the weekend.  They all said they were disappointed that I couldn’t make time for them. To me it all felt like whining and demanding, because I was on Overwhelm.

Last week I was asking the question, why aren’t I allowed to just have casual relationships, and this week I’m asking why can’t I just spend the weekend with my kids, at home, taking case of some necessary business but mostly resting and trying to heal.  Well of course I can, and anyone who doesn’t understand, or who takes it personally, or who doesn’t want to tolerate it, can be on their merry way, because this is all I have…right now.  Tomorrow is another day.

I realized that I used to feel frustrated like this all the time when I was married, and I no longer did while being on my own, but suddenly, it was back saying hi, remember me?

I learned a long time ago that when the body and the universe says REST, I must go lay down.

I also learned a while back that all I can do is show up and I can’t control anyone else or anything more than what putting my effort and energy in can do.  That’s it, that’s all I’ve got.  Some days are better than others, and some days I have tons to offer whereas others like now I am depleted and have to call a time out to any and all action.

I have been disappointed in others a lot lately.  Clearly they have been disappointed in me! I think it’s pretty evident that some of these things are minor, and they will be forgotten or gotten over if we are supposed to keep going on together – but maybe there is no “supposed to”, only “want to” – and we both have to give energetic permission for that.

I do know that I have a lot of support, it is very clear that I do, and it is needed.  In friendships and with family, sometimes we have to set our stuff aside and listen, even though we want to speak, because the other person is in greater need that day.  Thankfully, the favor is returned by our best buddies and with those with whom the ties bind.

Make Some Damn Room For The New and The Inevitable

If I think about all of the global events, which are particularly impactful on the empathic energetically, and the fact that I was in the path for one of them, along with the personal like relationships that are going sideways and science fair projects and potentially broken wrists that all we can do is worry about, it’s very obvious how I got here and I know it will eventually clear or at least morph and change, hopefully to a better state.

If someone is really “for me” they won’t go past me, and vice-versa.

If we say “everyone in my life loves, honors and respects me” and some go, well they are clearing the path for the new.

Honestly when the bottom falls out of the everyday experience like this, it does seem to be a cleansing and a clearing.

It’s never been more obvious to me that we have to make space if we want someone or something wonderful to come on in.  There is quite clearly no other room!

What if I can’t find the energy?  What if I refuse to make the room in my life for someone new because it takes more time and effort and energy than I have to give?

Well, it helps to be aware of our resentments, fears, faults, and lack of willingness, because if they are banging us over the head with the same theme over and over it is clearly for us to wake up and say hey, make some room girl, we have some good things coming to you if you only will!

Very, very clearly that is being said to me right now.

The past is the past, just because it ended badly before doesn’t mean that it will again – and even if it does, who cares?  We lived through it the first time and learned our lessons, so this time it just might be easy breezy, old hat, no trouble here.  And if it isn’t, we will learn by doing.