No Need For A Welcome Mat

welcome cat cat

Let’s assume that when someone arranges their life in particular way, it’s on purpose.  It’s because they like it that way.

Sure there are times of transition, like the one I’m sad to say I have been in for about three years now, when the person is “working on it” or “still in process” because there may be a lot to uncover and sort through.

Then are there are the people who chose it, but usually they don’t seem to know it.

One day I was with a friend and it became clear that his time is 100% taken over by other people and his job.  There is not a moment that he ever seems to get to himself.  He doesn’t complain about getting no rest, but if you ask him about it he will ruefully laugh, “Yes I need a break, but I’m not getting it.”

This same person has told me that he “can’t just sit” and “always needs to be doing something.”

He’ll say things like “If I didn’t have a job, I’d be doing it (this thing I want to do).”

If you suggest making it easy on him to do what he wants on a day off, float some really excellent and practical ideas, he’ll say “It would be hard to get away on a Saturday morning.”

It’s all good and well if the person is happy.  Clearly he chose this.  But when you start to hear about how things have been going wrong in his relationship (your perception, but should be obvious to anyone) he will admit that they haven’t been intimate.

This has been going on for many months, and this is not a one time event, but he will refuse to see or even consider, as far as you know, that anything is amiss.

You don’t want to be rude and say,”Is she sick?  Is there something wrong, like is there a specific reason for this?”

In the past when he has mentioned it had “been a while” (a month) and you asked him how come, he’d laugh and say “I don’t know.”

He holds to his commitment and doesn’t even seem to register that there might be something wrong.

He will say he is happy, and he loves her…while expressing his need for intimacy.

Isn’t a monogamous relationship supposed to provide your one access to intimacy?

Selfish Or Just Has Their Head In The Sand?

It confounds me when my married blogging friends say their spouses don’t read their blogs.  My ex-husband never read my blog when we were married, but he did open it up one day and read the subjects in the sidebar, and then closed it.

At the time I was writing very specifically about spirit guides and angels and doing intuitive readings, and this was not a man who was interested in psychic arts.

He tried to be respectful, kind of, but on other occasions called me batshit crazy for saying I could connect with Spirit.  Other times he’d say he “wished it was true” that there was anything more to this life than we can see with our eyeballs in broad daylight.

To be fair, if he was writing a blog on his interests, like construction or physics, I might not read every article, because….snore.  But if my spouse was writing an everyday blog or even if he wasn’t, I like to think I would at minimum show an interest because it’s your spouse!

What We Have Here Is A Failure To Communicate

I suppose this is becoming a post about respect.  I didn’t really intend that at the beginning.

What I wanted to ponder is, how is it that we so often fail at connection with our fellow human beings?

Are we even conscious of how we hurt and hinder, how we don’t always live up to our end of the bargain?

When it’s the other party not doing their work, do we make excuses for them?  Do we even notice?  Are we willingly blind?  If we are, is it because of fear?  Are we afraid to upset the apple cart of our hopes and dreams or our carefully sculpted lives that we think we can control?

Last weekend I was at a laser tag party at a park (yes, they did it in the daylight).  It lasted about three hours.  I knew a couple of the other Moms, vaguely.  We talked for about twenty minutes and then I was out of anything to share.  I think I was out before I began, really.

I went to smoke a cigarette, I went to the restroom, I leaned against a post and read astrology articles, I gave myself a reading on my phone, I texted with some guy who wants to date me, I took photos of the kids, I sweated in the 90 degree heat.

There was one table with a gaggle of women I did not recognize.  I sat at the end of the picnic table for a while and overheard what they were saying.  Gossip.  Mean spirited crap spewing from their mouths.  Energetically, they sucked, and I moved away out of self-preservation.

I am really proud of my son for fitting right in with these thirty little boys, waiting his turn, running, chatting, happy as a clam.

But when the party was over and I had to drag him off the basketball court and then off a tree he was climbing along the way, he fell in with me and asked,”How come you don’t talk to any of the other parents and you’re always alone?”  He said it in an accusatory way.

A couple of weeks before, in the store, he said I didn’t need a welcome mat for the front door because “no one ever comes to our house.”

I said that they did and he argued with me, because that is his nature.  He wouldn’t stop, so I finally said,”YES, THEY DO.  We do have guests to the house.  My friends come over when you are at grandpa’s house.”

He took a moment to consider that, and decided it was impossible.

The Need For Balance And In-Person Interaction

Long ago, before kids, we did have parties and guests over all the time.  It was a small but tight-knit group of friends.  They’ve long since moved away.  Now most of my local friends are either tarot people or people I’ve known for years from work, with an annual visit or so from a neighbor – the kid has a point.

Maybe I need more social interaction in person (most of mine is by phone or text) and my friend above who never gets a break needs less.  There has to be a balance.

I do appreciate my alone time and tend to guard it closely.  Part of that is that I have the kids all of the time, and just because it’s summer and Dad has them for two months once a year, friends do not magically pop up out of the ground and say,”Oh!  I’ve been waiting for you for the last ten months!”  Friendships don’t work like that.

I do note that I actively turn people down and sometimes put too much difficulty on seeing me, because I need to arrange for someone to watch my kids and I lost my babysitter to college.  I can’t blame them for giving up and I probably need to look at that.

I had a challenge with a date because he didn’t want me to commit to running the kids to be watched, which is half an hour away, if he wasn’t going to be able to make it.  Finally we decided to see each other on a Saturday afternoon, which was odd timing but worked for both of us, and we actually made an advance plan, which we don’t usually do.

Something is better than nothing but it wasn’t great.

That same weekend I had to say no to meeting a friend I don’t see much because he wouldn’t be available until evening, and that would mean a sleepover elsewhere for my kids.

I guess I weighed the pros and cons and thought “it’s too much running around, it’s like driving two and a half hours over two days just to see my friend” but dates are pretty much the same.  I need a better game plan because I can’t just give up or I really will turn into a recluse like my son thinks I am.

Sometimes it feels like there is no right answer, no “best way” – there are just decisions we make, and live with the consequences.  There aren’t always opportunities for a redux if you make a poor choice.

I do appreciate it when people point out the errors of my ways because it gives me a chance to consider how I feel about what they said.  My tarot group fell apart a couple of months ago and the host finally said “well, I guess that’s it.”  Some people have gone out of my life.  It feels rather empty lately.  The part that bothers me is I don’t always feel like I can ask how they feel, or offer my suggestions to them when they voice a complaint, because it feels like an energetic barrier is quite plainly there, saying “do not pass.”

I had an hour-long phone call from someone who never speaks that long,  They were in a lot of pain, and even though we really don’t talk anymore, their choice, I guess they felt I was the only one who knew them well enough and for long enough to ask advice from.  This person NEVER asks for advice.  At the end they apologized for taking up my time, and I said I would always be here if they needed it.  I am not sure if my making myself available was valuable to them or not, in the end.

Usually I am quite good at knowing when things are shifting in relationships energetically.  Like if it’s been a while, I know if I will see them again or not, because I can feel into it.  Lately it feels like the field is being cleared and I am just not so sure why.  It can feel like things may finally be taking off and the person retracts.  I can just feel like someone “doesn’t belong” even if they have done absolutely nothing other than be themselves – it just feels “not of interest” to me.

I suppose overall it feels like I have run out of energy road on people, places, and things, but under the circumstance it is just not clear what is next or where we go from here.

One thing I can tell you is that there has been a mighty shift.