The Bittersweet Symphony An Intimacy From Which They Never Recovered

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intimacy

I scooped the chocolate ice cream into a cone and handed it to the 8-year-old.

“Oh look, Mom!” he said, pointing at the side of the cone which had a space with no ice cream.  “It’s a little tiny home for all of the chocolate people to live.”

This followed a conversation in which he declared that I disappeared every time I went onto the porch.

“Do I become invisible?” I asked him.  “Or is it just that you can’t see me through the glass?”

“I just can’t see you,” he said.  “I always wanted to be a magician so I could make myself invisible.”

“There’s a magic kit in the office, if you want to practice,” I told him.

“No, that kind of magic won’t make me invisible,” he said.

“You’re right.  But you have no idea how magical you really are.  I always wanted to be a fly on the wall, tiny but not noticeable.”

“Mom, you are magical already.”

The other night I was on the phone and he told me there were footsteps in the sun room and I had to come immediately because he was scared.  We walked the hall, me holding a Reiki protection candle (props) and him clutching me by the arm.

I turned on all of the lights as we went, and silently said a protection and clearing prayer, but I could not tell him there were no ghosts, since I know for a fact that there are sometimes ghosts here and I don’t want to squash his psychic abilities by lying and saying nothing is there.

Yet it is true that everything is fine here.  Ghosts or no, there are no evil forces.  He has yet to see and understand that spirits are everywhere yet they are generally benevolent forces or just “passing through” and don’t even see or notice him.

Later that night after I said everything was cleared he said,”No, it isn’t.”

As we went to bed he declared,”Mom, you just don’t see all of the ghosts that I see.”

He is probably right.  I don’t always see or hear everything, especially when I am not trying.

As he sits here and watches Steve Irwin on television, which is something his dad and I did many years ago when Steve was still alive and the shows were new, he calls me in to ask me about facts of the flu virus that he just heard on a commercial, beginning always with,”Mom, did you know…?” and always informing me of something that I did not know.

He has started reading novels finally, a very reluctant reader, now under the tutelage of the teacher his brother had in the first grade, a woman of astonishing insight and enormous capacity of fun in learning.  It thrills me to watch him grow and now that he is in the third grade, he is starting to do the things I did at that age, a bit.

This child was born counting money in his sleep and he just passed an accelerated math test that earns him a special space at a higher learning level.

He said to me sheepishly the other night, after I told him to let Daddy know of this accomplishment, “You know, Mom, the test was easy but there were some parts where I had to guess.  Actually I guessed at the whole thing.”

Under questioning he declared that the test was up to sixth grade questions, and I asked him if he made educated guesses when he had to guess.

I never got a straight answer, but somewhere in there was an admittance of something that embarrassed him, and something that he wanted feedback on to make sure he was not a math imposter, and some measure of pride.

rush

In the course of intuitive work and friendship, I hear an awful lot of things that embarrass people.

The thing is, if we tell a trusted soul our deepest, darkest fears and admit to our failings and embarrassments, it lightens our load considerably.

These are the silly little things of life that eat away at our soul, and sometimes we just need to tell someone else and be accepted in order to take a deep breath and continue on with our lives.  Everyone has something like this.

Sometimes friendships can only be advanced when we have shared something that we held secret.

It astonishes me, when I stopped to count them up, how many friends I have that hold our friendship in secret.

Their wives, girlfriends, and husbands have no idea I exist, and yet we share our deepest, darkest intimacies.

I suppose some day I may come into the light, in some cases, but probably never in others.

It makes me think of the confessional in Catholic church.  What is said inside is held sacred, but you still have to leave and look at the next person waiting.  Also the priest knows who you are.

Don’t mind the man behind the curtain…

I joked with a friend, who wanted me to visit him but didn’t want his girlfriend to know, “Do you have a back door?”

There are so many meetings that would have been held, if it weren’t for the person who is #1 in their lives interfering by having the audacity to come by, come home, need something, or decide to attend.

It makes me wonder why I am almost always in the #2 spot.

Sure I know that spiritual work has always been done in the shadows, but it is now time for it to come into the light more often.

A Bittersweet Symphony

The 8 brought home the back-to-school typhoid and gave it to his brother and then to me.  This created all kinds of chaos with many days off of work and many weekend days lolling around.  You know how I love to loll around, but not when there are things to be done like sanitizing the house from the creeping crud and rolling tumbleweeds of dog hair.

I’ve had to sit here and look at it, because I know from experience that if I don’t rest when God says Sit, I will be sitting for months.  So I sat.

I am still sitting.

It is irritating.

In the interim, I’ve been studying.

It crossed my mind that maybe the reason I can’t find The System that Robert Ohotto told me I’d be studying in earnest right about now is that there is no One System.

So like I do, I’ve been following the intuitive breadcrumbs and they led me to astrology transits, a psychology textbook bible from the 1970s and some indian culture.

There is an intricate little system of intuitive hints and synchronicities that come my way when I am on to something.

It feels a bit like reeling around in the dark at times, but I am on some kind of a track, picking up bits and pieces here and there, and where it will lead is anyone’s guess.

I’ve been tithing a bit to the lengthy list of astrologers that I somehow began following years ago.  It didn’t cross my mind that they were all astrologers, until one of you asked me to explain how I follow my intuition and I started writing down who I followed.

I looked at the list and realized almost all of them were astrologers.  I don’t think I will ever want or need to know more than light astrology, to gather some insight into the soul or to chart some timelines, but we’ll see.

All of these things, psychology, astrology and indian culture have been in the background my entire life, maybe it’s finally time to delve a little deeper.

I do not know where this training takes me but it leads always deeper into service to God in a form of a calling, and so I go on.

Someone asked me recently if I was daunted by the divorce or the challenges of single parenting.  He wanted to know if I ever was scared or doubted I would make it.

I laughed.  There was never any doubt.  Some people lay down in the road and let themselves get run over again and again…start to get up and POW back down they go.

The secret of course is to never lay down.  Just keep walking, and sit on a bench by the side of the road sometimes when God says Sit, but keep following your unique path, no matter what.

You really do not get any challenges you were not meant to have.  If you were meant to have them, then you were meant to best them – that is, carry your mission out in the best possible way, your way.

We smile and we dry each other’s tears hidden behind the smile – that is just what we do.

I’ll leave you with The Verve, Bittersweet Symphony:

‘Cause it’s a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
You’re a slave to money then you die
I’ll take you down the only road I’ve ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah,

No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I’m here in my mold
I am here in my mold
But I’m a million different people
from one day to the next
I can’t change my mold
No, no, no, no, no

Well I never pray
But tonight I’m on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there’s nobody singing to me now

I can’t change my mold
no, no, no, no, no,
I can’t change
Can’t change my body,
no, no, no

I’ll take you down the only road I’ve ever been down
Been down
Ever been down
Have you’ve ever been down?

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