I was completely wrong about the man who kept coming and going from my life. He was supposed to show up.
The thing is, we cannot escape the fact that Energy Doesn’t Lie.
If the energy between you and another is charged, animated, and unlike anything else you have ever experienced, you know you are in for a ride.
You can try to make it work with someone else. Someone more appropriate.
But energy doesn’t lie.
I had a one-on-one reading with Robert Ohotto a couple of weeks ago. For those of you who know him, you know it is a major commitment to cost as well as to being seen. To me, Robert is about as close to talking to God through someone else that I’m ever going to get.
And even he could not see all of me or give me specifics in every area.
I always have that trouble when I talk to other intuitives and get readings. Some cannot see me At All. And that is not because they are not good readers – trust me, they are. But there are parts of me that my soul and guides or angels must keep safe and locked up tight, because perhaps I am meant to do the work and discover them on my own? I don’t know the reason yet, but I can see it with crystal clarity.
Robert did of course give me plenty of answers to lots of questions. Most importantly, he confirmed that I was on track with my own intuition for myself. The big themes and direction were as I thought. The details were what made the difference.
I’ve said that the dating was maybe more about learning human nature than it is about any specific man, and it turns out that’s partially true.
What I am actually doing is moving into a Calling, a developmental initiation, in two parts. Apprenticing. My learning is about my own healing and honing my psychic empathy for others.
I love Robert for his humor. He said he’d like to be my wingman on my dates. I laughed out loud at that, I can just imagine him in my ear,”Stop dishing up cover stories, girl. Give that man a real meal!”
As I move into presence I know that I have already hit bottom, and Robert cofirmed that for me. I knew I was working on interdependent relationships, instead of the narcissist/codependent role. This is a time of experimentation. I have been stuck in a groove with my husband for two decades, and it is not an overnight process to shift.
I knew I was “over it” and have spent many months processing the change in the family and accepting and moving away from the marriage, but it was still nice to hear Robert say that I have pulled my energy out of the marriage completely.
Within a few days of talking with Robert it was Mother’s Day and my husband sent me a song. It is the exact same song from the 1970s that I always refer to (in my mind) as our divorce song.
Funny how we are finally now both on the same page – at least we understand at core what went wrong, and we both came to the song independently. That is one hell of a coincidence. It still made me cry and I suppose that is all part of the healing process.
The song, if you are curious, is Gordon Lightfoot’s If You Could Read My Mind…except he sent me the version Johnny Cash did right before he died, because as my husband said, “it sounded more like me.”
If you could read my mind, love
What a tale my thoughts could tell
Just like an old-time movie
‘Bout a ghost from a wishin’ well
In a castle dark or a fortress strong
With chains upon my feet
You know that ghost is me
And I will never be set free
As long as I’m a ghost that you can’t see
If I could read your mind, love
What a tale your thoughts could tell
Just like a paperback novel
The kind the drugstores sell
When you reach the part where the heartaches come
The hero would be me
But heroes often fail
And you won’t read that book again
Because the ending’s just too hard to take
I’d walk away like a movie star
Who gets burned in a three-way script
Enter number two
A movie queen to play the scene
Of bringing all the good things out in me
But for now love, let’s be real
I never thought I could act this way
And I’ve got to say that I just don’t get it
I don’t know where we went wrong
But the feeling’s gone and I just can’t get it back
The thing is though, I DO see ghosts, and I see him. I love him, always have, and I know he will do everything in his power to help me raise our boys the best that we can. It breaks my heart that he lives so far away and sees the boys so little, but I know he does it at least in part in order to support us financially. I wish him every happiness, and I hope that his “movie queen” does bring out the best in him, because he has wonderful qualities.
As I move on to other men, I found that the one who kept appearing and disappearing was reflecting my own struggle to come fully on line with the process in my own system. The relationship is an example of what I am doing internally, my shifting, and a marker as to the progress I am making. As things got serious, he ran. He’d come back, they’d get serious again, and he would disappear. Then he starting staying.
Same as me falling into and out of alignment with myself as things got messy and shaky, not so much with him but in general. It’s going to be that way for a while, because as Robert said, my system “freaks out” energetically and it is going to be a process of rebuilding the esteem that got shattered in the marriage. I really cannot help the fact that I am pourously empathic with no boundaries by nature. It is going to be a “great adventure” as Robert said, and it has been…though it has just begun.
I took 20 pages of notes during my reading, and there is much to learn and share, but the main idea for now is that the dating and the learning the systems that I need in place to move into my Calling are both working in my system side by side and will for the next couple of years until things settle.
For those of my intuitive friends who wanted to know how it went with Robert, and who speak the language of Archetypes, here is what we are working with:
Codependent/Narcissist, Integrator, Shadow Rescuer, Survivor, Lover/Mystical Lover, Mystic, Addict, Counselor/Coach, Wounded Healer/Healer, Teacher, Guide, Orphan
The direction we are moving in is shamanic training through my Chiron Return in the 6th House (work).
I work with the soul, at soul level, and that is why I don’t care about a lot of the “whys” around intuitive work (as in, how did we get here, and what is the science behind it, and “prove it to me.”) I work at a level that is very high, naturally, because I was born into it, but I don’t always have the pieces that build up from ground level. Like, I just move energy naturally, I don’t have to go to a Reiki class for that, but I also don’t know anything that the people who DID go to Reiki class know – I just do it. It’s important to learn the nuts and bolts of the Why, even though I already have the How.
In one week three people said how different they feel when they are with me, like “I knew I would feel better if I just dialed your number and listened to you breathe.”
This week I intuitively coached a friend through a trauma while simultaneously texting with the guy and designing a template for a work project. My multitasking mind has gone on vacation since I started moving into perimenopause (aka brain death), but claircognizantly I am functioning at a higher level than I ever have. It just came through. My friend formed her own conclusions, I did not walk the walk or do the work for her, I just coached.
The difference between counseling and coaching is style and tone. I don’t “nice-nice” people, ever. Like a coach, I will have the pre-game planning discussion where we state our goal, but once you are out there on the field of your life, I am barking the orders and you are running.
This connected through the man, as he said to me one day,“I am giving you the fun you need in your life right now. Still listening to what I tell you to do and coach you through?”
That’s when I knew that, on some level, he was going to be there for as long as I needed him to be. He wasn’t ever going to really disappear, just as long as I kept showing up for me. He was tapped on the shoulder as my Guide, whether he knows it or not. The fact that I am consciously aware of this is critical to my growth and I am very grateful to Spirit for sending him, however it turns out.
Through all of this I have been listening to music day and night and dancing around, as I mentally and emotionally process all that has been happening. This morning 10,000 Maniacs came on with this:
These are days you’ll remember.
When May is rushing over you with Desire
To be part of the miracles you see in every hour.
You’ll know it’s true that you are blessed and lucky.
It’s true that you are touched by something that will grow and bloom in you.
These are the days you might fill with laughter until you break.
These days you might feel a shaft of light make its way across your face.
And when you do you’ll know how it was meant to be.
See the signs and know their meaning.
It’s true, you’ll know how it was meant to be.
Hear the signs and know they’re speaking to you, to you.