Not where to go from here, but how to go from here.
Sure, I know when I am being manipulated. Usually.
It starts out as fun, like a game.
“I like people with emotional and intellectual depth, people that speak with passion from their inner twisted mind.” – anon
I am not the brightest of the bright. Put another way, I am usually the best of the second tier, and throughout my life I have surrounded myself and gotten involved with brilliant people. Often, geniuses.
But every once in a while, there is a synergy, like a cycle or a circuit that cannot be completed unless I am part of it.
Usually this involves their brilliant idea and my grounding it into reality or adding a missing component. Sometimes we just take their over-the-top last step and replace it with my suggestion or concept. Would never have happened without the two of us.
Add intuition and et voila.
There is someone near and dear to me whom I’ve seen a lot of recently and he has gone off his meds.
He has a reason for doing it and it may not end in complete disaster. Or it might.
He is a long time friend and I’d forgotten what a devil he is. How smart. Brilliant even, at times. I saw the light in his eye today, that little glint that at once means Trouble and Fun.
That’s the part of me that loves chaos talking. It’s also the part that loves a good story about human interaction. He said this and then the other guy retaliated and then…
The good part starts.
The part where I am rapt and usually laugh at the end.
People are funny and they do the most interesting things when provoked.
In my journeys lately I have heard some fascinating tales, the kind you want to write down because they are either just that good, or you know they are headed there.
Part of me longs to be a part of it, a player in the story, and the other part, the Observer, immediately puts up an energetic barrier, like a Closed sign.
My biggest regrets come from times when I wasn’t allowed in, even though I know that kept me safe. My other regrets are the times when I wanted to participate but something within me protected me and pretty much said,”Oh hell no, girl.”
The one who lives in the in-between is the one who takes up challenges. Issues invitations, just to see what does or does not happen. Tells her nerves to stay home, firmly sets them aside, and goes out on a first date. Goes to the meeting and stands up before the crowd to speak with no planning, when asked. Looks around and puts the puzzle pieces together, sees the synchronicity or the synergy, and dives right in.
We issue energetic invitations to others sometimes, don’t we? Sometimes they say yes, sometimes no, sometimes we are glad we got a no, after all. Sometimes they rally back with something completely different, their own wacky idea, and we have to decide, sometimes on the spot, does this vibrate and jive with me? Does it feel exciting in a good way, or like the equivalent of taking the dark alley at night in a bad part of town for no good reason?
Two To Five Percent Odds Are In Your Favor
My friend’s son just got into MIT, and not only that, but he was considered the cream of the crop. I told her this last summer, when she held up her phone with the 2-5% acceptance rates at some of the best schools in the country. She said he would never get in to them, I said he would. I looked at the list of 15 schools and picked out MIT and University of Pennsylvania. I told her how he would do at each of them, socially.
I told her not to worry about the finance package and to stop her crazy level of work each school was requiring for financial aid. Did he get a great package at MIT? Of course he did. She could have save herself hundreds of hours of work if she’d believed me, but she “doesn’t believe in this stuff.”
Except, after this, she said,”I might have to admit there could be something to this intuition crap.”
I don’t always have answers, but when I do, you can bet you need to kiss the girl, stop applying for those other jobs, and let me tell you which school your kid is going to get into.
This is called being in the flow.
Nothing Wrong With You, But…
More often than not lately, I’ve had to stop beating myself for not offering myself up body and soul in service to some guy who decided that he wants to date me. By that I mean, just because you like me doesn’t mean I have to stick around to heal you. There is no reason to go on a second date when you get the ick factor.
There is nothing wrong with the guy, nor me, except that everything is wrong when it is not right…right?
I don’t want to repeat the past with the wrong type of person, just because it is familiar. In fact, the more animated in familiar territory it is, the faster I run.
Some have Chaos printed on their foreheads. I see that gleam in their eye, and I know exactly what it means for me. A lot of hard work and suffering.
Some start what amounts to a therapy session. “I shouldn’t tell you this on a first date,” they say. My answer to everyone is,”You can tell me absolutely anything. Go ahead.” And they do.
Good thing, because I have very limited time right now and I don’t need to waste another finagled afternoon or night out on someone who will admit their first wife was a hoarder. I don’t care how nice you are, you tolerated that. You got out of it…because she forced you to, not of your own volition.
Thanks for telling me, because although your history is not something I will judge you for, I will say no to it. I wouldn’t mind if a man judged my history the same way. Sometimes the little details tell so much. They tell you straight away that you are not currently an energetic match.
What you want is a kindred spirit. Someone who already is whole and healed. They are somewhere “on your level” wherever that may be at this time. You don’t need to discuss or rehash the past, because you are living in the moment, in real time, together – and that’s where the fun is now. It’s not in Chaos.
Where Can We Meet?
I met someone who was all the things I’d been getting hints about, qualities others suggested I keep my eyes open for, but that I rejected as being unlikely to be attractive to me. This is not someone I’ll date, just the unexpected appearance of someone who was energetically attractive who also happened to have three key qualities I’d said no to in the past.
I thought it was kind of like a sign post.
Maybe the sign said Keep Going This Way. With an arrow.
My husband was telling me what I do that makes him not want to call so often. Then I have a choice to change the course of the conversation.
He issues invitations to me of what he would like me to do, where he would like me to show up, and how he would like me to do it. If I open my ears, I can hear the intent, rather than start an argument that he is being unreasonable or asking too much or being insulting.
This morning I stood in the kitchen on my way out the door to drop my car at the dealership for servicing. He and the kids were cleaning the house, he was fixing the faucet, and they were going to follow in twenty minutes.
The topic was my weight, long a source of contention between us, because we were talking about replacing the elliptical that he threw out six months ago. I said,”You always said my medical condition was an excuse.”
He said,”Yes, I did, but I didn’t say I didn’t believe you have one. I know you do. I am just telling you to get off your ass and work harder. I’ve always told you that, haven’t I?”
The twinkle in his eye and wry grin told me a whole lot.
So I stood there with that expression on my face that said about ten things at once, shut my mouth, picked up my keys and said,”Love all you boys. See you there,” and walked out the front door.