“It Won’t Take Long”
The first time I walked out the door to go out on a date, I couldn’t get over that really odd feeling that if I had a babysitter and was going out at night, I should be going out with my husband.
When he found out that I was dating he told me,”See, I told you that it wouldn’t take long.” Followed by, “If we hadn’t had the problems we did, I would date you myself.”
If that has you shaking your head, remember that the breaking of soul connections can be a very confusing process for everyone involved. It’s not always a very logical beast and is fraught with charged emotions. Sometimes the endings are well thought out and planned, but sometimes the person isn’t even sure why they are doing it exactly but they feel compelled to do it, which seems to be a hallmark of the ending of a soul contract that has a timeline.
Violent Adultery and Clean Endings
There are a lot of ways to end a relationship. Some are kinder than others. Some set you up for ongoing disaster and long recoveries.
I’ve been speaking with a lot of people lately about their marriages, how they ended, why they made the choice (or why their partner did), their recovery process, and how they met their new partner (if they did).
Violent adultery is when one marriage partner intentionally cheats for the purpose of ending the relationship, because they intentionally want to do something they cannot recover from, in their partner’s eyes. Or, so they hope. It is deliberate and done for the purpose of humiliation, shame, embarrassment and causing pain.
Would you allow yourself to share an intimate connection with such a person?
In one of the stories of violent adultery, the third party involved with the cheating spouse asked,”Am I a bad person?” In this case, the marriage was still intact, the wife did not know about the affair or impending divorce, and the children involved were known to the third party.
I am going to go out on the judgment limb and say this is just about the worst set-up for disastrous consequences I have heard yet.
In another story, the cheating husband spent the wife’s inheritance, half a million dollars, on a stripper. One stripper. In a period of about three months. There were kids involved and the father rarely saw his children again. He quit his high level job, and never worked again, just to avoid paying child support.
This past week, just as I was feeling better about my recovery, I was fully triggered.
Someone was doing something I wished they’d stop. Then I heard some really scary, bad news. In the middle of it all I had to keep reminding myself to come back to the present moment, not borrow trouble, and tell myself that everything in this moment is fine.
I haven’t dated for a long time because I acknowledged that I was still working through things with my husband and I was simply not ready. Then my counselor told me to give it another six months and I thought to myself, I can’t make it for another six months doing all of this work.
You can know you are doing the right thing, the hard work, and find it difficult but manageable. Usually this requires keeping the end in mind.
When I first learned I was getting a divorce, I knew it meant far, far more than just eventually meeting someone else who was a fit for me. It was the complete unraveling of our family and a renegotiation of everything. My husband lives in another country doing what he wants and sending money. I am here taking care of the kids, going to work, and trying to recover and handle everything, some days better than others.
Sometimes I am graceful about it and sometimes I want to kill people (metaphorically, not literally, don’t worry). But truly, some days I am just angry. Then I have to figure a way to get the anger out, and I have one, and I do.
There is a lot of boundary setting, redefining, and negotiating what is cool and what is not cool, and unsurprisingly we often differ on that point.
Case in point, what triggered me this week.
I am not sure if he gave a moment’s thought to what he was doing, but when I heard my son ask,”Who’s that?” from the other room, I had to go look at what was going on. When I realized what was happening, I had a surge of adrenaline that was unexpected and violent.
Afterward, I heard from my kids about everything. It can be a really tough line to walk when you don’t want to poison anyone against anyone else, but you are truly angry. I decided that I would try to keep my feelings and opinions to myself. It was not easy.
It is not easy.
I love that my life is full of soul mates, those who just get me and I just get them. I like to think of it as people who are in my soul group. You know the ones, the ones who you “just recognize” or “just already know” from the first moment you run into them. Call them what you will.
In this group are my intuitive friends. You know how your intuitive friends are. They see you need advice and when they offer it, they are pulling it from their gifts, in order to help you.
For a long time they have been telling me that the marriage would end but not end. Some put it like “you won’t have to continue on without him.” At first I didn’t understand what they meant, but now I do.
The divorce was something that shifts and changes all the time, as we work out the details. My husband tries very hard to be his best self. So do I. Sometimes it works better than other times, and sometimes it works a little too well. Sometimes we get very angry with one another. Sometimes we overreact and are overly sensitive, like I was this week.
I had a series of sleepless nights, where I was tossing and turning and kept waking to the same exact image, over and over again. At times, I felt like I was right back at the beginning of the divorce, hearing all of the hard news anew and processing it all as if for the first time.
I thought, why is this happening? I cannot possibly need to relive this?
So I sat in meditation and started getting the information in. The marriage ended for the higher good of all involved. I got information about my husband that helped me to heal more, another layer.
Several of my intuitive friends have described someone I’ll meet in the future. Up until recently, this was consistent, if vague.
Then the picture I had in my mind’s eye met with the picture in their mind’s eye.
Soul contracts end.
Soul contracts begin.