My children woke up to a whole lot of cursing this morning. They now know every single curse word that I do, and trust me when I tell you that I come up with creative combinations when I am enraged.
There is a whole lot rolling around in my psyche since I went to therapy last night and then slept on it. I woke up with an extraordinary pain in my left hip (hello cold induced arthritis – maybe?) and the wi-fi in the house being out.
Two children were looking at me and asking me to fix it, before coffee. My soon to be ex husband had switched services in order to solve the problem of the squirrels eating the AT&T lines, and now we are new Xfinity/Comcast customers…with no wi-fi.
Did I fix it in 10 minutes? Yes I did. I crawled around with a flashlight until I found the modem, found the phone number to call, and they sent a signal. Et voile.
But the stuff that comes up for me when “it’s not working” has far more to do with being left by a competent man whose responsibility “this was supposed to be” but no longer is.
I could whine about everything being my job now, but the reality is that I turned out to be far more competent than I ever dreamed of, which basically means that I don’t need him for anything on the regular, and most other things can actually wait a couple of months until he comes around again.
You Are Incompetent And Batshit Crazy
The trouble is, he is prone to blasting me with a litany of my incompetencies at least once during every visit. Along with that comes a list of threats that are far-reaching. He’ll say that he is just throwing my list of complaints back at me. He’ll say,”Can’t you see that I am just…” and the reality is, I can’t. I have no earthly idea what he is talking about.
This results in statements like,”I am obviously competent because I have been taking care of these kids for the last 20 months by myself, they get straight As, they are fed and they are clothed properly.”
His throwing down the gauntlet results in me having to stand up for myself not just for his benefit, but for my own. It forces me to acknowledge what kind of job I am actually doing.
We must be having the strangest divorce on record. Let’s skip over the details and simply say that most of the time neither one of us acts like we are divorcing. After twenty plus years, no matter how much water has gone under the bridge or how bad your communication, it takes time on both sides to separate and disconnect. Plus, children are truly the ties that bind. There is no “never speak to you again” option.
Mostly, we just want the other one to be happy and helped. I need a new water softener system? Fine, he installs it. He needs a quiet place to rest and recuperate from his life? My door is open.
What The Heck Is A Multi Dimensional Relationship?
I had an epiphany during the last visit which changed everything for me, documented in Not You. Who knows where these bolts out of the blue come from? Your head and heart don’t always cooperate with one another.
They say “the heart wants what the heart wants”, logic and rationality be damned, until one day Denial waves its hand in front of your face and you have to speak to it. Oh hello, Denial, I knew you were there the whole time and I guess I have to acknowledge you now. And thank God, because…enough already.
It is so much easier to tell other people what to do than it is to look at your own stuff. There is only so long you can hang out with But Look At What You Are Doing! and then you have to release them to their own path, because they were not asking you anyway and all you were doing is postponing what is yours to deal with.
We are not stupid, we know these things, but sometimes it takes us a while (for me, it’s pretty consistently 6 months) to come around to them.
I read a short book called 10 Signs of A Multi Dimensional Relationship by Jennifer Hoffman. The subtitle is The Top 10 Reasons Why You Are Misunderstood and Rejected in Your Relationships. An excerpt:
If you look at your most frustrating, confusing, and challenging relationships, or any that you can describe as “not working”, what you read here will identify and confirm them for you. MDRs happen between two people who are at different levels in terms of their energy, expectations, abilities, vision and motivation. They are also at different levels in terms of what they want out of the relationship, can give to it, and have to give. One of the people will be willing to give their all and have lots of energy, emotion, and attention to give and the other will not. One of the people will be able to see more potential for the relationship than the other and will work hard to make that happen. But even the strong attraction or connection between them will not compensate for the other areas of incompatibility, especially energetically, between them. These relationships often have strong karmic ties and unfinished business from past life connections. One of the participants has to make a significant change within themselves at profound levels for a MDR to become a balanced and equitable shared connection. They usually end badly, rather abruptly, and with some degree of regret…in the end you usually end up where you started, and no change seems to have occurred.
So what’s the point if they are so hard? These are healing relationships that happen when one or more of the people involved requires significant healing of past life connections or karmic cycles. And the one who needs the healing is not the person who is at “lower” energy or frequency or vibration, it is usually the person who is at a “higher” frequency and vibration, although they want to heal the other person as part of their karmic path or soul purpose. If they can do that, then they feel vindicated for the lifetimes of loss, pain and suffering that they have experienced with this person. But the real lesson for them is to surrender, which means to quit fighting, to let go and release the other person to live their life in the way they need and want to, no matter how much they think they would be better off, happier, more well-adjusted or successful if they changed.
Did I Really Marry You ELEVEN Times? But…Why?
If you asked my husband, he would say I fell off the cuckoo train and was batshit crazy (one of his favorite expressions) for reading such a book. I have come not to care. I was once told that our soul history is being marriage partners (and nothing else) during 11 lifetimes, that we chose to be married again and again since it was the best type of relationship to do our soul work in.
Do I know if that’s true? I guess I’d say,”Who cares?”
The fact is, we did a lot of work together and are experts at pushing each other’s buttons. Reading Jennifer’s book is what led me to see that this relationship met every one of the ten signs. It gave me a framework in which to get the exact right perspective on the dynamics, to release him, and let him go. I even sent his girlfriend a pair of sunglasses (don’t ask).
Now I mostly feel neutral toward him, which is a lot better than feeling triggered. I can offer him love from the heart same as I would with a friend, and I can say thank you for the nice things he does (there are a lot). That is far better than feeling a ton of resentment.
Honestly I no longer feel the need to write about any of this, but I had the message that I should because some of you need to see it to help with your own process.
It doesn’t matter what kind of therapist you see when you are in recovery. My results could have come from working with a regular PhD Jungian, the kind that is covered on your health plan, but would they be any more valid? I’d say if I had done it in regular therapy it would have just taken a lot longer, and that serves no one.
So I work with someone who can read soul contracts and talk to my spiritual team. You work with whomever floats your boat and gets through to you.
Some methods just work for different people at different stages of their lives. Sometimes going for a walk and clearing your head or listening to music or writing it down is just good advice, no matter who it comes from.
A Thousand Veils
I can see exactly who is coming into my life, and it’s not going to be tomorrow. I still have a lot of work to do. I am not now who I was six months ago, and I am not nearly who I will become in another six.
That all sounds so pat, but there is so much work that goes into becoming. You have to pay attention. You have to rest. You have to allow. You have to learn to receive.
The conversation that I had last night was about how many (metaphorical) veils I have covering my face. As I take them off, one by one, not only am I seen more clearly by others, energetically, but it also allows me to see more clearly.
I have been missing so much, hiding in the woods, being a wife and mother, giving everything away, for decades.
A suggestion was made that I consider shutting down A Clear Sign in the near future.
Then a statement was made: you do NOT want to be found as the old Julie anymore.
That’s pretty bold, isn’t it? At first I thought, wait – what’s wrong with the old Julie? I’ve always done my best to share what I know, to be honest, to be transparent.
Yes, but…if in fact I have been in hiding, then the energy of A Clear Sign is the energy of a person who has been in hiding.
A million times I have received the message you will be so different coming out the other side, you will not recognize whom you have become.