Multi Dimensional Relationships And A Whole Lot Of Cursing

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My children woke up to a whole lot of cursing this morning.  They now know every single curse word that I do, and trust me when I tell you that I come up with creative combinations when I am enraged.

There is a whole lot rolling around in my psyche since I went to therapy last night and then slept on it.  I woke up with an extraordinary pain in my left hip (hello cold induced arthritis – maybe?) and the wi-fi in the house being out.

Two children were looking at me and asking me to fix it, before coffee.  My soon to be ex husband had switched services in order to solve the problem of the squirrels eating the AT&T lines, and now we are new Xfinity/Comcast customers…with no wi-fi.

Did I fix it in 10 minutes?  Yes I did.  I crawled around with a flashlight until I found the modem, found the phone number to call, and they sent a signal.  Et voile.

But the stuff that comes up for me when “it’s not working” has far more to do with being left by a competent man whose responsibility “this was supposed to be” but no longer is.

I could whine about everything being my job now, but the reality is that I turned out to be far more competent than I ever dreamed of, which basically means that I don’t need him for anything on the regular, and most other things can actually wait a couple of months until he comes around again.

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You Are Incompetent And Batshit Crazy

The trouble is, he is prone to blasting me with a litany of my incompetencies at least once during every visit.  Along with that comes a list of threats that are far-reaching.  He’ll say that he is just throwing my list of complaints back at me.  He’ll say,”Can’t you see that I am just…” and the reality is, I can’t.  I have no earthly idea what he is talking about.

This results in statements like,”I am obviously competent because I have been taking care of these kids for the last 20 months by myself, they get straight As, they are fed and they are clothed properly.”

His throwing down the gauntlet results in me having to stand up for myself not just for his benefit, but for my own.  It forces me to acknowledge what kind of job I am actually doing.

We must be having the strangest divorce on record.  Let’s skip over the details and simply say that most of the time neither one of us acts like we are divorcing.  After twenty plus years, no matter how much water has gone under the bridge or how bad your communication, it takes time on both sides to separate and disconnect.  Plus, children are truly the ties that bind.  There is no “never speak to you again” option.

Mostly, we just want the other one to be happy and helped.  I need a new water softener system?  Fine, he installs it.  He needs a quiet place to rest and recuperate from his life?  My door is open.

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What The Heck Is A Multi Dimensional Relationship?

I had an epiphany during the last visit which changed everything for me, documented in Not You.  Who knows where these bolts out of the blue come from?  Your head and heart don’t always cooperate with one another.

They say “the heart wants what the heart wants”, logic and rationality be damned, until one day Denial waves its hand in front of your face and you have to speak to it.  Oh hello, Denial, I knew you were there the whole time and I guess I have to acknowledge you now.  And thank God, because…enough already.

It is so much easier to tell other people what to do than it is to look at your own stuff.  There is only so long you can hang out with But Look At What You Are Doing! and then you have to release them to their own path, because they were not asking you anyway and all you were doing is postponing what is yours to deal with.

We are not stupid, we know these things, but sometimes it takes us a while (for me, it’s pretty consistently 6 months) to come around to them.

I read a short book called 10 Signs of A Multi Dimensional Relationship by Jennifer Hoffman.  The subtitle is The Top 10 Reasons Why You Are Misunderstood and Rejected in Your Relationships.  An excerpt:

If you look at your most frustrating, confusing, and challenging relationships, or any that you can describe as “not working”, what you read here will identify and confirm them for you.  MDRs happen between two people who are at different levels in terms of their energy, expectations, abilities, vision and motivation.  They are also at different levels in terms of what they want out of the relationship, can give to it, and have to give.  One of the people will be willing to give their all and have lots of energy, emotion, and attention to give and the other will not.  One of the people will be able to see more potential for the relationship than the other and will work hard to make that happen.  But even the strong attraction or connection between them will not compensate for the other areas of incompatibility, especially energetically, between them.  These relationships often have strong karmic ties and unfinished business from past life connections.  One of the participants has to make a significant change within themselves at profound levels for a MDR to become a balanced and equitable shared connection.  They usually end badly, rather abruptly, and with some degree of regret…in the end you usually end up where you started, and no change seems to have occurred.
So what’s the point if they are so hard?  These are healing relationships that happen when one or more of the people involved requires significant healing of past life connections or karmic cycles.  And the one who needs the healing is not the person who is at “lower” energy or frequency or vibration, it is usually the person who is at a “higher” frequency and vibration, although they want to heal the other person as part of their karmic path or soul purpose.  If they can do that, then they feel vindicated for the lifetimes of loss, pain and suffering that they have experienced with this person.  But the real lesson for them is to surrender, which means to quit fighting, to let go and release the other person to live their life in the way they need and want to, no matter how much they think they would be better off, happier, more well-adjusted or successful if they changed.

Did I Really Marry You ELEVEN Times? But…Why?

If you asked my husband, he would say I fell off the cuckoo train and was batshit crazy (one of his favorite expressions) for reading such a book.  I have come not to care.  I was once told that our soul history is being marriage partners (and nothing else) during 11 lifetimes, that we chose to be married again and again since it was the best type of relationship to do our soul work in.

Do I know if that’s true?  I guess I’d say,”Who cares?”

The fact is, we did a lot of work together and are experts at pushing each other’s buttons.  Reading Jennifer’s book is what led me to see that this relationship met every one of the ten signs.  It gave me a framework in which to get the exact right perspective on the dynamics, to release him, and let him go.  I even sent his girlfriend a pair of sunglasses (don’t ask).

Now I mostly feel neutral toward him, which is a lot better than feeling triggered.  I can offer him love from the heart same as I would with a friend, and I can say thank you for the nice things he does (there are a lot).  That is far better than feeling a ton of resentment.

Honestly I no longer feel the need to write about any of this, but I had the message that I should because some of you need to see it to help with your own process.

It doesn’t matter what kind of therapist you see when you are in recovery.  My results could have come from working with a regular PhD Jungian, the kind that is covered on your health plan, but would they be any more valid?  I’d say if I had done it in regular therapy it would have just taken a lot longer, and that serves no one.

So I work with someone who can read soul contracts and talk to my spiritual team.  You work with whomever floats your boat and gets through to you.

Some methods just work for different people at different stages of their lives.  Sometimes going for a walk and clearing your head or listening to music or writing it down is just good advice, no matter who it comes from.

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A Thousand Veils

I can see exactly who is coming into my life, and it’s not going to be tomorrow.  I still have a lot of work to do.  I am not now who I was six months ago, and I am not nearly who I will become in another six.

That all sounds so pat, but there is so much work that goes into becoming.  You have to pay attention.  You have to rest.  You have to allow.  You have to learn to receive.

The conversation that I had last night was about how many (metaphorical) veils I have covering my face.  As I take them off, one by one, not only am I seen more clearly by others, energetically, but it also allows me to see more clearly.

I have been missing so much, hiding in the woods, being a wife and mother, giving everything away, for decades.

A suggestion was made that I consider shutting down A Clear Sign in the near future.

Then a statement was made: you do NOT want to be found as the old Julie anymore.

That’s pretty bold, isn’t it?  At first I thought, wait – what’s wrong with the old Julie?  I’ve always done my best to share what I know, to be honest, to be transparent.

Yes, but…if in fact I have been in hiding, then the energy of A Clear Sign is the energy of a person who has been in hiding.

A million times I have received the message you will be so different coming out the other side, you will not recognize whom you have become.

We’ll see.

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Comments

  1. Mary Stephenson says:

    Hi Julie

    Very interesting. When I take in account of my life…it is a discovery of who I am and what I have endured. It all sums up to being bullied from very first memories and at times still. It comes in many disguises but it is still someone else’s will against mine. So now I fire back and get nasty feedback from that. I have dug my heels in and decided after I got out of “the job from hell” I would no longer let anyone walk all over top of me. It is tough fighting back but ground is being broken for the new me. I find myself constantly having to go back into things that build me backup. Oh I hate that when the stronger one thinks they need to fix me, when they really need to take a look at who they are and change. I am learning what I need to do in this life and it is building my own self-esteem. When I compare our 2 lives I see that I the weaker one has grown the most. It is funny how some cannot see their own faults and weaknesses as they try to keep it so well hidden.

    Great post.

    Mary

    • Thanks, Mary 🙂

      I guess I gave up on it, because I will never “get it” from his point of view. I wish I could, but I can’t. Same thing with him.

      There is no right or wrong. I’ve had so many people, even those who know his feelings, support me, which is a good thing. I’ll take it.

      I could criticize, but so could he – best just to be as good to each other as we can manage, going forward.

  2. It amazes me how many people are in similar situations at present time, and also how much I identify with most of what you said here in this post. I gotta say this first before anything….I detest the phrase “batshit crazy” as someone in my past used to say that phrase about anyone who spoke about something he didn’t comprehend. He would also say it while doing something called “gaslighting” (if you’ve never heard of this term Google it, it’s a manipulation tactic).
    Second… I’m gonna have to go get that book you were talking about, sounds interesting and informative to me.
    Third… I thought of you last night because of something I remembered you had said awhile back when songs (lyrics) showing up at a precise time. My son brought to my attention a song you mentioned before where a certain part of the lyrics were going through your mind over & over. I listened to the song my son posted (on his FB) and didn’t think about it till I got to the end of the song in which the lyrics say “Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go”….. I thought to myself… “hmmm…. this is my message for today” and remembered what you had said months and months ago.
    Fourth…. I agree with Mary, great post 👍💞

    Blessings to you and your boys,
    Lorin

    • Hi Lorin, The accusation of “batshit crazy” and gaslighting go hand in hand in my experience, and WHAT A COMBO they are. It’s a truly cruel way to treat another human being. It’s meant to make you feel wrong and crazy, while the other person gets to act as the authority on sanity. It took me years to see and identify that so I could set it aside. As if.

      The book is truly worth it, I’m not sure if it is on Amazon but you can get it for $12 at her website which is Enlightening Life. It’s only 62 pages.

      That song was what got me through my first divorce 🙂 “Let it go” said about 50 times in a row will do that for you. It’s also good advice for anything that sticks in your craw. I think we all are adult enough to do our own work and know that we cannot walk around with things irking us, or sooner or later they will kill us.

      Love you, thanks for coming by 🙂

  3. Hi Julie,
    Your post caught my eye today when I saw the word “multi-dimensional.” I had no idea you were going through so much change in your life. I’ve been out of the blog loop for some time. I’m sorry to hear it but I know – and you know that you’re moving into a new chapter in your life. I wanted to mention that when I was having a lot of problems in my relationship to my now ex-husband I had a past life regression. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I It immediately answered questions about why we were together. It also verified all the Saturn/Karmic aspects in our charts. I could clearly see the lessons I was supposed to take from it. I know you may be past this point now so it may not matter but I wanted to mention it all the same. We have to catch up soon. It’s been too long!
    Sending you a big virtual hug.
    xxoo
    Angela
    Angela Artemis recently posted..Do You Feel Uncertain Making Decisions?My Profile

    • Hi Angela, Great to see you! I probably know many of the lessons at this point but it would be fascinating to have a past life regression to get every piece of the puzzle. I pretty much just said “good enough” when I got tired of overthinking it and had to move on into acceptance. There must be some trustworthy people in South Florida who do that kind of work.

      Yes, let’s catch up. I’d love to hear what you have been up to 🙂

  4. Go Julie! I so love your bravery, just as I love your no-nonsense words 🙂 Always so inspiring 🙂 Thank you!! Catriona xxxxx

  5. Once again, as pretty much every one of your posts do for me, this hits home big on so many levels. When the word “simplify” showed up as a word of the year type thing… which I think of loosely as a memo-to-me in the back of my mind type of thing not a hard restricted thing… I should have had more of a clue. Doesn’t mean what happens is simple in the least and happens in ways you would have never expected or heartbreaking. It has definitely been a huge time of things, people, pets, leaving/moving on/abruptly disappearing with no explation in some cases.
    The section from the book, huge change of perspective for me on one relationship in particular and possibly several others. Yet another reminder of how things evolve and change, not everyone stays on the same path going forward etc.
    I can completely understand the upheaval and change you have been and are going through. Although, once you are on the other side of things I hope we will still be able to find you and your writing as you bloom in to your best self.

    • Thank you, Stacie. When I think back on how little time has passed since I learned to do my first reading (about 5 years) it is sort of astounding how much has changed and how much I have learned and experienced. When you write and do readings, it all happens in solitude or over the phone, so it requires spending so MUCH alone time (I’m glad I have a day job!). The irony is that the events that were pivotal in my personal life came right before I started to dive into intuition and spirituality, so close together than in retrospect it makes me wonder what came first, the cart or the horse. One thing is for sure, spirit has our backs (even if the people don’t) in the most amazing way.

  6. Hi Julie!
    Lots and lots going on in my life as well, and I’m sorry I haven’t stopped in lately. I have missed it, because you always make so much sense. Your post for today really hit home in a lot of ways, reminding me of things and relationships past and present. Wow. My heart is with you, truly. I can’t really add much to what your other friends have said here except to say that I’m in your corner, too, and I know that you will get through this with the kind of grace that so beautifully becomes you. I always feel such a resonance with what you say.

    I hope you don’t decide to cease A Clear Sign, because it seems like writing is very therapeutic for you; it seems to clear the confusion and allow you to vent as well. And I hope you know that all of us who are blessed to read it, even if we don’t always comment, care deeply for your welfare and happiness. It has been an enlightening pleasure to get to know you and to have gained much wisdom through your writing. Whatever decisions you make as this new leg of your journey unfolds: remember that we all wish the best for you, and send positive energy and prayers your way. <3

    • I appreciate all of the above, thank you 🙂 I don’t intend to stop writing, regardless of where it may be. Maybe just in a different way, or in a different place. It was just a suggestion, we’ll see how I feel about it somewhere on down the road.

  7. Good luck in your journey!

  8. The Clear Sign is just the conduit! Old Julie will be gone and new and improved Julie can share ber wisdom.
    Old Julie may have been hiding, searching…new Julie just shared kick-ass look at me and what is working for me advice…that
    some of us needed to hear. Heck, I have zero idea how I found you in the first place: Some of tbe old Julie stuff was not what
    I might have needed…what if u had shut down before this post?

    As your title says, “A Clear Sign” will be revealed as the rest of tbe veil is lifted.
    You have come a long way! Keep moving forward and sharing your wisdom. So many more will be experiencing
    Relationship transitions. They need to know there are alternwtives to traditional therepy…that can
    alleviate and transmute any pain/guilt /depression so that they can get on with it…whatever it is.

    Thanks for sharing Julie!

    • Hi Tara, Ha! – if I had a dollar for every time someone called me a Conduit. Thank you so much for your comment. I guess I always think that we are all always in transition, always learning, so the old/new thing kind of surprised me. I like the way you put it, though 🙂

  9. Samantha says:

    Thank you. Your words, and the excerpt from the book are perfect for me today, a year and a half after you wrote them. I used to read your blog, but in my own relationship (21years at the time) ending a few years back, all of my computer bookmarks got left in his house. I thought of you today while reading Slade Roberts newsletter, tried to remember the blog name and all I got was “her name is Julie”. Well that, coupled with remembering you writing about “goatie”, got thrown into a search and happily, turned you up again. I’ve been reading some of your posts and just had to comment on this one. Thank you. Thank you for saying exactly what I needed to hear as it applies to a new soul contract relationship I am in.

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