Every Breaking Wave

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change

I didn’t know what to expect as I waited outside International Arrivals with my boys.

They chased each other, boxed, and took photos for about an hour.  My energy gave out at about the 45 minute mark and I began to wane.

blur

It’s not the clearest photo in the world but trust me when I say The Blur (my youngest) was wearing me out.

On the drive home from the airport, my husband played the U2 song Every Breaking Wave.

Like every broken wave on the shore
This is as far as I could reach

If you go your way and I go mine
Are we so helpless against the tide

Are we ready to be swept off our feet
And stop chasing every breaking wave

The sea knows where are the rocks
And drowning is no sin
You know where my heart is
The same place that yours has been

Changing Everything

Have you ever had a definitive moment wherein you realized absolutely everything in your life had either changed already while you weren’t looking, or was going to have to be changed now?

The moment I made the first statement about accepting the change and agreeing to it, everything started to shift.

Then came the moment when it all ended.

I didn’t see it coming.  Didn’t ask for it.  Didn’t realize it was even happening until later.

There were a few precursor moments, where I began to take it in.

When the big moment itself arrived, I went to sleep that night peacefully and woke up in the middle of the night wondering if it was all a dream or if it had really occurred.

Events came back to me.

It happened, all right.

A couple of days later, I realized that I simply felt different.  Better.  No more anxiety.  No more wondering or waiting.

Blindsided

For a person who spends most of her life with her head in the clouds in quiet contemplation, you’d think I might be more attentive to nuance.

The scales had fallen from my eyes, and I began to slowly digest what was happening.  Not what I was being told was happening.  What was actually happening.

There were a number of side threads running throughout my life that I had never noticed before.

If it had been happening to someone else, I would have put two and two together right away, as an observer.

I noticed that I felt differently about everything.  It was as if I’d forgotten who I was and was just painting by numbers, playing the prescribed role.

When the role was taken away from me, I was standing there alone wondering why the entire world looked different.  Why I didn’t respond in the same ways.  Why some things suddenly looked really funny.

Tiny moments came back to me which helped weave the pattern.

Helpers came in from everywhere to point out where my choices, both conscious and unconscious, had led me to today.

Fresh Air

larry

 

Larry is a mouse and he has his own door at O’Sheas on Clematis Street in downtown West Palm Beach, where I spent my lunch hour with a colleague on a Friday afternoon.

Someone told me he loved me.

I’ve met more new people in the last few days than I probably have in the last few years.

A friend shared information that touched me to my core.

Invitations have been issued left and right to things I ordinarily would say,”No, I can’t,” to.  Even though people know this and have long ago given up on asking me, suddenly they began to ask again.

I started to receive so many texts that I had to start checking who I was sending the responses to, in case it was the wrong person.

I had to brace myself against the house because I was so overcome in a moment.

In other words, life suddenly started to get far more interesting than it ordinarily is.

I believe all of these people and situations and opportunities started their influx simply because I agreed to the events life was forcing on me.  Instead of standing around not knowing what to do, I began to embrace whatever happens next.

I am now willing to say,”Yes, I have time.”  Not that I will make it, not that I choose something else instead that looks like my old life. Simply yes to whatever is new and different and wants to be shown into my sphere.  The more unlike me it is, the more I am now apt to say yes.

When things don’t look right or seem fair, I am waiting them out.  Sometimes you have that core, gut knowing that the time is not yet right and that you are not receptive enough.  You sense that you will be, soon. Patience.

Bring Joy To The Situation

I don’t want to be someone’s #2 (or 3 or 4 or 10).  I want to be chosen first.

Sometimes we float with what we have because it is familiar.

Sometimes we keep on keeping on with things just as they stand, because it is too inconvenient to make a change.

When was the last time you considered whether or not you were happy?

I can’t remember the last time I checked in on my happiness.  I know that mainly because yesterday I was wondering what had come over me, and I realized the unfamiliar feeling was that I was happy.

I felt freedom and lightness of being.

At the beginning of the year I asked that joy be brought to the situation, and I remember specifically thinking that if joy could not be brought back in, then the situation couldn’t continue.

So, it stopped.

It didn’t stop in any way that I could have predicted or expected, and I didn’t like it (this falls under the “be careful what you wish for” category).  I just assumed that the joy would be reinstated.  I didn’t expect the answer to be no.  I am pretty certain I never even truly considered it as a possibility.

The wonderful part is that joy is coming in.  It’s coming in through many people, places and things that are completely unexpected.

As I go through the process of endings and many new beginnings over the next year or so, I wonder what life will look like.

I’ll bet it is completely different.

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Comments

  1. I told myself I wasn’t going to cry today damnit, lol. Julie, it is pretty amazing that we are going through so much of the same things, different situations, but the same timing, emotions (feeling everything you wrote above), and releasing. It’s funny, the very first time we talked (or emailed???) I told you about how every single time I got in the car & turned on the radio (4 times within like 2 or 3 days) the song “Patience” was on (of course, it was telling something, but I didn’t practice it very well). With the exception of going to see/hear my son’s band play once, I haven’t gone out or done anything with friends probably for over a year now (and think my friends too knew not to ask), shutting myself off from most everything except going to work. Just starting to feel differently as well, although it’s hard for my emotions to not slip right back into the same old song & dance… My phone is not ringing or dinging with texts yet though, but I have been asking for joy to re-enter my life (and peace too) so hopefully in whatever way it’s supposed to come, it will come and happy that yours is coming through, you deserve it!
    p.s. I think you look beautiful in the picture 🙂

    • Lorin, Patience is one of those songs for me, too because GNR was one of my husband’s favorite bands back in the day. The lyrics don’t apply in this case because we didn’t make it, but at least we got twenty years in. It’s funny how things can begin to turn around though. I’ve been processing through this for the last couple of months and it was surprising what it took to turn the corner.

  2. Sending you love and tons of Joy xxx

  3. I am sending you hugs. 🙂 And love. I am not sure why, but I felt a tinge of sadness in your writing.

    You look lovely in the photo!
    Vidya Sury recently posted..Lighting the Lamp of LoveMy Profile

  4. Loretta Steeves says:

    Keep the faith, from one on the other side – of relationships, that is.
    17 years ended; now 7 years in on a new, joyous adventure.

  5. Julie, I have been waiting for this post probably as long as you knew you had it inside you. I am at once so sorry and so awed at your sense of blessing. I think when we expect to be okay, we will be. When you have those inevitable moments of doubt, remember how the universe is always bringing you love, even when it’s in ways you never thought of before. Light is always flying at you.

    • Nancy, I wasn’t ready to write about it until now. I had to get through to acceptance, which took a while. I know we will be okay – I have two little boys to raise! And I am blessed with wonderful friends who have helped in varied and sometimes amazingly supportive ways, including everyone here – so thank you 🙂

  6. I know all is as it should be, and that beautiful new things are on the horizon, but my heart aches for you. It’s still a tremendous loss and please give yourself plenty of space to grieve. And then embrace the new joys. Sending love and grace to you.

  7. The lyrics don’t apply for me either (he and I aren’t together like I had hoped), but just the message of “patience” I guess. It’s tough I know, having had two 10 year marriages that didn’t work out. Wishing blessings and more blessings for you <3

  8. Hey sweetie… super duper! 🙂 The coolest part is that it’s just a shift in perceptions, which leads to further shifts in reality. Cliche’, I know, but the real deal.

    I told you awhile back about the change in my own circumstances. Trust me,, it was as disorienting as yours. The funny thing is like you sort of say, when you look back and realize that you really did, deep down, believe that things would get better one way or another – because what was real at the time was simply unacceptable to you and could not stand.

    If we really absorbed that consciously, there wouldn’t be any problems with patience. You would know it’s going to happen eventually so why sweat it?

    Excellent writing, as usual.
    Michael recently posted..Turtles, Turtles, Turtles!My Profile

  9. Once again, I’m awed by your courage and quiet strength.
    <3 Thinking of you.

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