Archives for April 2015

The Day The Voice Came Back


I knew something important was happening because The Voice came back.

It had shown up in the past only during emergencies, like when my toddler was sticking his hand into an outdoor light feature that the fire ants had moved into, and I was going to have only seconds to respond.  I was walking away from him, back into the garage, when I very clearly heard in my left ear,”Emergency!  Turn around!”

It’s not like my internal chatterbox, nor like when I get typical intuitive information coming in from other entities for myself or other people.  It is as if someone is standing beside you and speaking to you out loud.  Except, the voice is only in your own mind.  It is crystal clear, unmistakable, and so not-my-voice that there is absolutely no doubt someone else is communicating with you.  It’s usually on a topic that I wasn’t thinking about at the time.  It’s usually a warning of imminent danger.

But this time was different.

I usually am a proponent of “doing my own work.”  It’s coming up on five years since everything changed and I stopped seeing the world as it appears to the logical brain, as it looks when you are just seeing what is right in front of you.  Six, if you count the time when I was at my old job but really just wanted to go on break all day and read Anna Sayce’s articles about intuition and the world of spirit.

I’m finding myself right back in that place lately.  Granted, I’ve never made a good 9-5 employee, but it’s the place I have found myself since I graduated college.  Oh sure, I always do a good job, even a great one sometimes, but getting me to sit in my chair all day is nearly impossible as I am a wanderer and I work in spurts.  I am project oriented and if you gave me a job as a receptionist or somewhere else where you are required to be there in your seat all day, I would really feel trapped and have to run screaming from the building.

This does not bode well in the world of insurance where I’ve spent the last 20+ years, and in particular it does not work particularly well where I am presently.  I’ve been spoken to any number of times (two or three) in what is now almost a two year tenure, about how many breaks I take and how often I am found outside smoking and/or reading on my phone.  It’s because some of the people who work there are clock watchers and they perceive that if you aren’t in your seat, you aren’t doing anything.

In my case that’s not true.  I will go outside because my brain and body say get up and move around so you can push your reset button.  Sometimes I am working through a work puzzle, trying to decide my next move.  Sometimes I am daydreaming or reading a blog.  Sometimes I am answering work email on my phone.

I think probably the bosses don’t care, so long as I get everything done well.  But it’s interesting to me that I chose a place (or it chose me) where there are people who cannot imagine I am accomplishing anything by flitting about, and who take the issue to management as if they are losing something by allowing me to be who I am and doing it in my own way.

I stand out, and not – to them – in a good way.

So it was in one of these moments where I am milling about in the back of the building that I heard The Voice again.

I decided that I was seeing too many moving parts in my life where things wanted to be uncovered.  Where the pieces of the puzzle didn’t fit and every day was filled with too much dissonance for me to handle well anymore by myself.  My husband is usually my barometer, he keeps me honest and on track and tells me when I start to diverge too much from a reasonable behavior path.

But as you know, he’s been gone a year in June, and I guess that without that backbone to keep me straight, plus the added dissonance of him coming and going and random intervals for short periods of time, it has really thrown me off.

I’m not sure when I realized that I like having time to myself and that I keep myself extremely busy (all in my head).  It used to be that I dreaded alone time, and if I had to be by myself for a week it felt like the end of the world.  Somewhere along the line I switched from dread to anticipation and joy, without realizing it.

That doesn’t mean that in the overall scheme of life I appreciate my husband being permanently gone, because I don’t.  But I was relieved to find out that once he had moved out and a month or so went by, I didn’t fall into a depression and I was marginally able to cope with the kids, house, dogs, cats, goats, fish, bugs, and job.

Then, rather abruptly, I realized I wasn’t doing so well.  I was sick for over a month, and with that came a pure exhaustion that let me accomplish nothing after I got home.  My intuition came through and said I had reached the end of the road traveling as I was, and that I needed a partner to help me sort through the stuff I couldn’t see on my own.  I had heard of people hiring coaches or intuitive healers, and never thought I needed one because, trust me, there was PLENTY of material already going on in my own mind and system to sort through.

Until there wasn’t.

So the next morning, I woke up and saw that someone I knew was offering that type of service and my system did a little “aha!”

After speaking with her for the second time, within the next ten minutes when I was thinking over a comment she had made, The Voice showed back up.

I’d been telling her about a conversation I’d had, and how I appreciated the way the person kindly delivered a suggestion by subtly being indirect, telling me about another person’s experience rather than coming at it directly and saying,”You need to change this.”

She saw it in a completely opposite way, she saw it as harsh.  She said that if someone had treated her that way, it would set their relationship back six months.

I was thinking this over, how our perceptions are important, how changing the way we think of something can make all of the difference, and wondering how understanding why I see it as I do mattered at all.

That’s when The Voice popped in and supplied me with the answer.  Then I had to talk into my Notes app for a few minutes because epiphany after epiphany, all the puzzle pieces, started to fall into place.  It’s like when the tumblers on the lock fall into place and the answer is given.

Now I would never have said that this particular line of inquiry was even important.  I just didn’t see it.  I don’t even know right now why it matters.  It’s probably just one part of something that wants to be brought out into the light to be seen and perhaps healed.

That’s one way to know that you are on the right track, and that the person you’ve chosen (or in this case I feel the person was chosen for me) is going to be the guide, and that in fact it validates that at this moment you NEED a guide at all.

Because The Voice only comes out for emergencies and Really Important Moments.