The Crossroads Demon and You

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Using your intuition can feel like a crapshoot when you are off your game.

Being connected and in the flow, where synchronicity feels like your best companion and friend, is a truly wonderful place to be.

When you are at a crossroads in life it can look like absolutely yes and absolutely no could BOTH be legitimate answers.

At moments like these, you know intuition is not going to solve your problem.

Call it The Trickster being in the house, call it fooling yourself, call it self deceit or maybe denial is the best word for it.

It could be that you just cannot see the truth of your situation clearly and no amount of consulting with others will help you at times like these because inevitably you will find someone who agrees with you and someone else who will agree with that part of you that fears it all may be a lie you are telling yourself and holds the reverse position.

Years ago my friend told me that “moving off my square” could be helpful if for no other reason than making a move changes the game.  If you don’t like your new square, you can always move again.

Sometimes it is not that easy.  Moving off your square can mean saying goodbye, changing things up so much that there is no backward to be had.

When you do not know what you are doing, when you have no gut feeling either way as to the correctness of your choice, you can make a mistake.

I do agree with the “there are no mistakes” philosophy only insofar as you inevitably learn, no matter which choice you make, but I do believe there are wrong choices.

For a very long time many have been stuck in cycles where there is no way out.  Flail though you might, no square hopping will happen.  The job won’t appear.  The relationship either will not materialize, will not die though we hit it in the head with a hammer, will not get either a lot more happy or a lot more sad so we can make a choice.  The phone calls will not be returned or the company you are dealing with will not move from their position or make a commitment to a position.

You get the idea.

You are stuck and flail about and nothing moves.

It just refuses to budge.

Looking back over life you can see there are frozen periods that were in your best interest, because in the end the result was worth the confusion and the suffering.

If you are really good you can hang with the unknown and be all “hey that’s cool, maybe it’s in my highest good, I’ll just wait it out and have some fun in the meantime.”

The waiting can be part of the lesson, where you work things out in your life or just in your own mind.

Sometimes nothing much happens during the wait, and those times could be attributed to “things not being lined up yet.”  Someone else may need to leave that job so you can take the spot.  Some funding may need to come in.  Someone may have to decide to sell their house or not renew their lease.

But what if all that waiting is only waiting for you? To make a move.  To make a choice.  To decide, already.  To stop taking it.  To reach for it.  To begin again.  To end it.

It feels at times like “somebody up there” has these answers, can see what you cannot see through the fog of your indecisiveness, uncertainty.  You wish you could pick up the damn phone and have them give you the answer!

Our spirit guides and angels are great at communicating with us when our end is clear, but sometimes I wonder if our end is already clear and they just aren’t helping because…it wouldn’t help.  It’s up to us alone.

I’ve been under fire lately.  Heavy artillery is being lobbed at me.  I am hanging in there working a full time job, and trust me when I tell you there have been some crazy challenges coming down that pike lately!  My husband is away most of the time and so I am taking care of my two kids, three dogs, two cats and the house.  Two days a month a lady comes in to help me with some of the cleaning, but the other 28 days I am on my own, just me and my laundry.

I listen to the criticism and I think,”Yes, they are right about that thing.”

The problem is, there are 4,192 other Things.

I suppose one could pick apart the first ten and say some pretty brutal things, and really there is not a good argument to refute them.

Have I gained weight?  Yup.

Is the dog any better?  Maybe.

Have I trained the kids to help me clean up around the house or have I just done what I could with the energy I had and said,”I’ll try again tomorrow.”  You know the answer to that.  Sometimes they help and sometimes they just fight and it’s more effective in that moment to do it myself, if not in the long haul.

An outsider could look at me and say,”You have a full time job and two young kids and a house full of animals!  If everyone is alive and well, you’re doing great!”

And another outsider could look at me and say,”You’re fat!  You’ll drop dead in five years!  There’s dog hair everywhere!  The boys peed all over the toilet seat!  You are disgusting!”

I’ve heard both.

In the end, it is my decisions and my choices.  I know that I am always going to be falling down on the job in one area or another.  If the kids are in great shape then the house will be dirty.  If the house is clean then I haven’t had enough exercise or made decent meals.

Probably somewhere there is a person who does not have a full time job who can do everything else to perfection.

Actually, yes there is, because she has gone on a tirade of criticisms and insults about how I run my life.

If I say “this is all too much but I am doing the best that I can!” it means that I am not actually complaining it’s more like I am saying “hey look, somehow we’re doing this!”

It would be lovely if people in glass houses did not throw stones, but they do and they are not my concern.

Lately I’ve done a lot of saying that I’ve done the best I could, and those things over there are just going to have to wait or be given up on, because I know that’s the only way I am going to survive this thing.  Some people will read that and say I’m complaining and fatalistic and not trying nearly hard enough.  Others will say,”Yup, that’s the way to do it, do what you can, call it a day, and live to fight another day!  It’s fine!”

Obviously I am one of the latter people.  I don’t need to be right.  It doesn’t need to be perfect.

But what DOES need to happen is that I do just enough that I can say to myself at the end of the day that I put in a good effort.  It’s a feeling you get.  A satisfaction. Not every day ends that way.  Some days you have to rest or get run over by the illness truck.  You have to spend time with the kids and have fun sometimes.  Sometimes the circus is in town or a good movie needs to be watched.

If you find yourself being criticized and you can see their point but not really see how to get there from here, it’s probably best to see if there are any pearls in there and then shrug off the opinionated critics.

They may be right.  If you just look at that ONE thing, independent of everything else. But that’s not how life works. Sometimes you really cannot do everything well!

There are those who will see you quite clearly for who you are and will maybe help you.  There are others who see you only how you were five years ago and either refuse, or cannot see, how you’ve grown, improved or changed.  That is their problem, a reflection of their inability to see truth.

In the end, opinions are worthless.  Only you know the truth. Your truth.

So let’s go find our truth and move off our squares.

 

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Comments

  1. I love this. I appreciate all you do and that you still find time to keep cranking out these wonderful articles. I look forward to your next one.

  2. Game of chess. You bet.

  3. Kelly Roth says:

    This is perfection! Blessings to you beautiful soul!

  4. Being intuitive myself, when I was reading your wonderful article, several thoughts came to mind. First, slow down! Second, remember that you are a mere mortal, not perfect and that’s just fine!
    Hugs,
    Beth

  5. Julie, you are doing an awesome job with a great attitude. There are times in this crazy life that the only sane thing to do is exactly what you’re doing–try to hang on and ride the waves of chaos! No sense flailing against them or you’ll drown for sure. Eventually, it will calm down and you’ll be cruising along again, but until then, what’s a little dog hair, pee on the toilet seat, or extra pounds? Those things may always be there, and our job is to find joy and LOVE for ourselves and others in the mess! Life is messy, love is messy, and kudos to you for not being afraid to get dirty! ❤️
    On another note, I had a dream last night that you were unexpectedly pregnant and you announced it in your blog….not sure if thats a message to/for you, but I had to share.

    • Angie, That ship has sailed I’m afraid, but I did look up the symbol for dreaming of pregnancy and it says that it symbolizes some aspect of yourself that is growing 🙂

      • Ha! Julie, I didn’t think it was heralding an actual pregnancy, but I did think maybe it’s symbolizing another type of “birth” in your life. I think we are close in age, so I totally get it!

  6. Timely post as ever .. the waiting reminder and why it happens. So thanks for that.

    Only thing I would offer- kick up the self care if you can. Esp as someone under siege and energy sensitive already this is a non negotiable. Even if it means staying up an extra half hour or getting up early- a soak in the tub, schedule a massage, grounding by walking barefoot:) You deserve it and need to charge your own batteries too:)

    I read somewhere souls choose their parents specifically for their good traits but also their supposedly ‘not so good’ traits too. And even then good and bad is so subjective, so relative. It’s annoying to get a lecture from an outsider/know it all but smile smugly knowing your kids made the choice to have YOU 🙂 Maybe having a non neurotic mom who doesn’t freak if the home is in order is really what is best for them?! ha.
    Re: the weight thing, eh. That’s self care just sleep and walks when you can. You’re close to my age I think. A check up/blood panel workup and hormone check would be helpful. Hormones out of whack can also lead to weight gain not just failure to eat right. Low hormone levels can mess with your sleep and feelings of calm. And if you can cook meals for the week one day a week (can you get someone to help with this? ) and freeze them for the more hectic paced weeks will help you. I feel like my mom now, I’ll shut up! I just realized your husband being away at work so long has almost been a gift, seeing how much you really can handle on your own:)

    • YES on that whole hormone thing, because it is definitely doing some odd things and sleep is elusive at best. I really think since we have to do that whole “having the babies” thing we should really be done at that stage and not have to endure more! What I have found is that your standard walking (which I do twice a day, most days) is not cutting it at all, not even making a dent, so you may be right on with that.

  7. I am definitely just about ready to move off of my square, having done the waiting-and-working-out-my-life thing for quite long enough now. Call and we’ll get caught up! 🙂
    The Painted Universe recently posted..My Word!My Profile

  8. Mary Stephenson says:

    Hi Julie

    Hey, I hear you! We are renovating our house in order to sell it. We are now in month 3 and still have a ways to go. Everything else is on hold…there are only so many hours in a day. My 17 year old died recently and is in the freezer waiting for when we have an opportunity to go and get her cremated. The house has not been vacuumed in awhile other than to pick up the reno stuff. We have been doing dishes in the bathroom sink for the past couple of weeks. You just do what you have to and get by. The end goal is insight and then there will be the scary part of not knowing how much we will get at the end of the sale and when, also if we will buy or rent in our new location of 4 hours away. Got to move stuff into storage up there also. Some may say, you should have seen this coming and been wiser, but we all make choices and can see quite clearly what we should have done a long time ago or even over the last few years…but here we are floundering around trying to survive and do the best we can. And isn’t that is what it is all about? We make the choices, good or bad and we live with those choices and how well we do with them helps built our character.

    Mary

  9. Thank you 🙂

  10. Life can be a beeoch at times. I try to drop the judgment. The self judgment and what others think of me. Then I can hear my heart and what it’s trying to say to me. To heck with the rest of the world. Lately, I’m easily overwhelmed and emotionally all over the place. In my case, I just figured out that it’s out of whack hormones (I’m 50). Give yourself a break and you’ll know what to do, even if it’s nothing for right now.
    Susan recently posted..Child Wants to Stay Home from SchoolMy Profile

  11. Ah, The Crossroads. I know that place all too well ’cause I’ve been there many a time–sometimes just due to fate, but usually because I put myself there, so I can’t blame anyone else. Still, having a choice, to me, is better than feeling like it’s always being made for you. Sometimes, the way things play out, it’s almost as if the Universe is changing things up, taking something away, keeping something from me “for my own good”–and whether or not that’s true, I resent it sometimes. But there are just as many times that in my rebellion or stupidity, I made choices I vehemently facepalmed later. Free will is a blessing and a curse, too.
    I find myself always preaching at the kids that everything we do, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, has a consequence. It might not show up now, but it will show up eventually. For me, pushing too hard for too long, making something happen resulted in my burning out and falling into a Big Blue Funk that I can’t shake. Sleep deprivation eventually results in some very unsavory consequences, not the least of which has been weight gain, fuzzy brain, and a haggard face. It compounds the Blue Funk feeling, so I just quit looking in the mirror (ha!)
    I think I had gotten hit with my own version of midlife crisis and was deathly afraid of growing older and ending up mundane and mediorcre. This is my crossroads: missing out on the sweet little sometimes mundane things now for fear of being stuck with only that later. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. But it sure helps clear the fog when I quit paying any attention to others’ opinions, standards, and stifling.
    If the kids are happy, you’ve succeeded. Just give yourself some TLC too, and allow yourself the same. You know in your soul when you’ve done your best, and there are only so many hours in a day. Something’s got to give, sometimes, and that’s all right. My hat is off to you, Julie. You inspire me more than you will ever know. When you are feeling flustered and wondering if all you do makes a difference, I hope you realize that it truly does, in every facet of your world.

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