Archives for January 2015

Dissonance and Discomfort


bday party

Just a short one today to acknowledge all of the dissonance going around.

Today is my youngest son’s birthday.  He was born in the hospital across the street from where they hold the South Florida Fair annually.  Each year it’s our family tradition to take him to the Fair on his birthday.  There are traditions like following my husband through all of the 4H animal exhibits before anyone is allowed to go crazy on the rides.  We laugh at the crazy foods they come up with every year, like hamburgers with donuts holding them together and chocolate covered bugs.  We see the big show (this year it’s Las Vegas with Elvis on Ice…you never know what you’re going to get!) There are just certain things that we do without fail.

Except this year, we are failing to do them.

I’ll take the kids but my husband is working overseas and missing everything.  He missed the birthday party yesterday at an arcade (I’ll let you guess which kids in the photo above are mine).

My husband’s nephew is supposed to meet us at the Fair today to do all of the rollercoasters and shooting galleries with the kids, as my husband normally would.  When I had my last kid, I became unable to ride anything where your stomach drops out from you, which is bummer because I used to really like rollercoasters, but there you go!  That’s Life.

This last week things got wildly busy, to an uncomfortable level.  It made me wonder why everything seemed to be dumped on me all at once.

The calendar started getting really crowded with appointments at the school, doctor, dentist and so on, all during the day when I am supposed to be at work, which has been incredibly busy.

My son’s computer got a deadly virus and I spent hours trying to fix it, for three nights in a row, until I had to be told to stop fixating on things I know nothing about – which I did VERY begrudgingly.  It’s hard to admit defeat when you feel like you could possibly figure it out yet.  I know buying him a new one eventually makes more sense than  putting a ton more hours into it, and I have to realize that the world won’t end if they don’t have access to their favorite thing.

But what I realized was that I am trying to play Mom and Dad.  It’s one thing when I can’t fix something in the house, but it’s another when the kids can’t get what they want or need because I don’t know how.

We can be realistic and say that we can hire out the jobs we can’t do ourselves because it’s all just too much.  The reality is, that is how I ended up with a maid service.  I just couldn’t manage it all myself so I have to fork the money over for someone else to do it, and be grateful for it.

For some reason the maid decided to clean in the couch cushions and she managed to be afraid to clean the leather while managing to break the chaise part away from the rest of the couch.  That means when I am up in the middle of the night and go out to the couch to try to get back to sleep, I wake up with my behind stuck in the hole between couch and chaise, which created a little more knowledge about exactly how inflexible I have become when I tried to get up.

I guess I am trying to find a new life here on our own and make things work in new ways, but they aren’t always that successful.  My husband is a grounding force and without him I tend to get more carried away than usual and less apt to just get on with things and cut my losses.

So I’ll continue to flail about here, less on the flailing and more on the enjoying being present, as I can.  I’ve been trying to strike a balance between cleaning out the house and sending things back or to the Goodwill or school without overdoing it and hurting myself.  It’s becoming really obvious what I need to learn to do, what I need to give up on, where I need to accept help, and where I need to flex a little and try new things.

It’s Mercury Retrograde in a few days and I am most interested to see where this one is going to go!

I wonder how much longer things are going to remain status quo.  It feels like changes are coming, magic is afoot, but no one is giving us the answers just yet.