Archives for 2015

Closing Out 2015 Consciously


Dreams can be so real that if you woke up and found yourself living within them, it wouldn’t surprise you.

You can have a conversation before bed and wake in the morning, finding it wouldn’t surprise you to roll over and find them lying next to you, ready to pick up where you left off, even if you live alone and they reside somewhere else in the world.

Reality of the 3D variety and the spirit world are so entangled that you can be completely sane and fully functional yet embrace the simple fact that both exist simultaneously.  Stated another way, both are true.  It took me years to see that apparent opposites can coexist peacefully; it is only our minds that need to learn and accept that.

You are always, ever, constantly moving in the right direction, even when you are doing it wrong.  When you start to move in the highest, best path, when it all begins to gel, when your calling or mission appear before you, the energy is so expansive, you just feel it throughout your system.  That’s when the impossible starts to look not just possible, but inevitable.


This year has been the most painful and difficult year on record, in my current life’s book.  I’ve learned and grown and shedded so much that all I can say now is I feel I have begun to remember who I am.  What I like.  Why I came here.  What’s ahead to experience.

Christmas Eve found me a cleaning, moving furniture around, turkey cooking, chocolate chip cookie baking monster on a mission.  Energy and enthusiasm radiated from me in a way that haven’t seen in probably fifteen or twenty years.  My son and I started in the afternoon after a short work day, and I didn’t stop until I was spent.

I realized that instead of anticipating having a miserable long weekend due to circumstances beyond my control, I could simply be in the moment and ask myself what I was actually feeling.

Lessons of 2015

Much of this is probably obvious to others, but we say that we teach what we most need to learn.  I didn’t feel that anything about my divorce belonged here, either because it was too personal to put under my own name in deference to the privacy of others, or because it wouldn’t be relevant to my readers.  Then I got the message (over and over) that part of the reason I had the experiences that I did was because I needed to share it.

That’s when I met a bunch of other women going through the same thing, with similar sounding men, who may not have been able to hear what I was saying.

But I did.

What applied to them applied to me.  I needed to listen to myself.  Take my own advice.

You have to close out your year.  That can mean a lot more than reflection or doing a tarot card reading to see what’s ahead.  You want to be so into you that you see and process the all, the everything, that came and went.  As much of it as you can acknowledge and accept and admit, take a good, hard, cold look at and…release.

My intuitive counselor has me doing Tai Chi, which is proven to be fully connected to the science of the body.  Right now I am doing two specific exercises to release anger, which is the equivalent of putting down decades of a man’s bag of emotions that I have been carrying around for him (oh yes I have).  The titles of the exercises crack me up.  One is called To Cure 100,000 Ailments.

The crazy part is that it works.  I am not even sure what is happening when I do it, all I can say is that it moves a crazy amount of energy through and out.  When someone tells you not to have a child or a pet in the room when you move energy, you get a hint that this is some serious stuff, but if you doubted when you began, you will not doubt in the end.

images (15)I learned that I can feel someone else directing energy at me from thousands of miles away.  Dark energy.  I learned that I can block and bounce it back at them, a simple deflection exercise.  “You may take that back,” is a favorite line from my friend Lisa.  It makes me laugh every time.

I learned that carrying protection stones and charging them with a black reiki candle can be something that is okay to do.  It’s a prop, and you may need it for a few days or a week, but as always you don’t need anything but yourself and God, it is merely the strength of your intention.  But if you do temporarily feel like others have the upper hand and that they are more powerful or important than you because you have recently been kicked in the teeth and are undergoing recovery and wound-licking, it is okay to use your props.  Spirit always has your back.

I learned that sometimes you just will never get an answer.  You can ask the universe to take your worry and problem from you and heal it.  Or you can ask for the burden of mental gymnastics to be taken from you, and release the need to know, but still not give up on it entirely – the universe might bring you the answer in due course anyway.

I learned that I am a god awful receiver.  I’d listened to someone who told me for years that I was lazy and selfish, and I believed it.  When I began to detach from that person and their family energy system, and released myself from bondage (no joke, I really mean that literally, I was in energetic bondage), friends and counselors came around to say that I was such an over-giver that I had depleted and exhausted myself.  I needed to learn to receive, rather desperately.  Which was true?  Was I selfish or outrageously sacrificing?  Turns out, both were true.

I learned that by trying to help someone and do everything for them, anticipating their every need and trying to stop them from making yet another outrageous mistake, that is not helpful, it is being a control freak.  So I release them back to themselves, hand them back their energy that I was carrying, and retrieve mine that I loaned them in an attempt to hover and help. “What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is yours” not “what’s yours is mine” is an important energy lesson, even as we really all are one.

I learned that I have some incredibly kind, loving, supportive, patient, quality tribe members for whom I will never stop being grateful. The universe put them right where they belonged with divine and perfect timing.  Some of them were hiding in the bushes and I didn’t even see them, so bless them the most for sticking around patiently and not pouncing on me before I was ready.

To each soul who met me this year, energetically or otherwise…

To the cruel, the nefarious, the greedy and adulterous, the vicious, the ballsy, the just plain evil masquerading as sweetness and concern and love itself, the challenging, the intentionally unhelpful (when you could have changed it all for the better, effortlessly), the grasping, the unwilling, the scared shitless, the weak willed and confused – thank you for your contribution.

To my first date after the separation, and the second, the man who told me to chill and he’d be back, the one who keeps coming around no matter what, the one who snuck up on me silently like a cat, to every kind soul who listened to me say the same thing at least one thousand times, to those who left me alone and those who walked each step with me holding my hand, to my entire team – thank you for the blessings and may they be returned to you one thousand fold.

We are each others’ teachers and we walk together.  Love to every one of you and may your life continue to unfold exactly as it should with as much joy as you can handle.