If you are a nervous sort of person where someone else’s To Do List gives you anxiety about your own lists, don’t read any further.
Goat Toe Energy
The day Goatie stomped on my toe and disconnected the nail from the nail bed seems to be what began a two month period of malaise.
The illness was unrelated – kids bringing home viruses, food poisoning, and that month long hack you get that makes everyone in the office insist you must go to the doctor because you have walking pneumonia.
It wasn’t the kind of sick where you have to go to bed, it was just this constant sheer exhaustion that seemed to progress to the point that I could do less and less around the house and was wishing more and more that the maid hadn’t quit or that my husband was living in the country so he could pick up my slack.
I’d sit on the deck, staring at the computer and try to will myself vertical all day on a Saturday, but nothing doing. Nor on Sunday. For the better part of a month.
I felt like I was there, but not present, and like entire chunks of days were somehow disappearing on me.
There was an omnipresent complete lack of interest in almost everything related to daily life. If I had to label what seemed important, it would be distilled down to one word answers, like Love. Not what was on my desk. Not the errands that needed to be run.
Maybe it wasn’t the goat toe energy so much as I had picked up everything my husband dropped when he moved. I was now taking the kids to AND from two different schools each morning and evening after working a full time job.
Could I really be this tired just from a simple scheduling change and having to take care of more stuff than usual?
I considered all possible medical causes, outside of the chest and sinus infection for which the doctor had already given me antibiotics.
Depression, menopause, undetermined weird virus, bronchitis, allergies, walking pneumonia? Didn’t seem to be any of them.
I have simply never felt this exhausted, useless, and unenthusiastic.
The To Do Lists
I was sitting in the dentist’s office this afternoon doing math homework with the 5th grader while waiting on the 1st grader. I was trying to unteach the way the Common Core – which the state of Florida said was the Second Coming, but only kept for one school year -has failed to teach him multiplication and division. I was reinforcing the old fashioned way of simply writing it down instead of doing it in one’s head, when I started to make a mental list of the things I had – just today alone – picked up for my To Do list.
I realized something.
I’m as bad as him, except I’m not ten. It’s all in my head. It’s on tiny scraps of paper. It’s in my Color Note in my phone. It’s in my piles and piles of paper half at home and half in my Vera Bradley.
Usually I have one To Do List, though it might be five pages long.
Here’s my thought process:
This week: Pick up prescription, pick up eyeglass frames, find out if they can get scratches out of lenses first, because I don’t think they looked, get coffee filters, drop off dry cleaning already, look up financials and send in requested info, pay bills for home and business.
Saturday – birthday party, play date, ice water before doctor appointment to try to get blood out of kid again, and need to bring in dog again/hip out of joint? Need x-ray and surgery?? OMG CLEAN THE HOUSE IT IS FILTHY!!!!! Do laundry. Get more litter. Publix. Other prescriptions done by then?
Monday – get more time off work to fill kid’s cavity 4pm
Tonight – Did internet start working again? Start 6 yo on weekly writing homework, check other homework. DO LAUNDRY – kids have no school clothes. Call Dad about school out on Thursday will he take them to ChuckECheese? Write check for school fund raiser due tomorrow. Unload dishwasher/sink full. Get food that possibly gave me food poisoning out of fridge – give to bugs. Get kids to feed turtles, fish, dogs and goat. Bring in garbage can. Check dog’s hip. Go through all of the mail and kids’ papers, pull out bills. Make sure 6yo knows to GET flu mist at school and 10 year old knows NOT to get flu mist at school.
***FIND MY TO DO LISTS***
So Then I Came Home
I found some of my lists, and I gave up.
No, not really. I threw the laundry in, made the kids make their own dinner, saw the dog was truly limping now, ran an incognito play into the house past the goat at the front door by sneaking in through the garage, looked at the “clean” dishes in the new dishwasher and noted that they were once again still dirty, sighed, and sat down to write.
Have you ever had a moment when you knew you had to live this life right now but that it wasn’t destined for long?
I feel like I am in this weird transition period where I can’t really be my old self but my new self hasn’t quite come into being.
Jennifer Hoffman, of www.enlighteninglife.com, wrote a Facebook update that stopped me in my tracks.
“I feel like a dishrag that has been wrung dry. It’s been a very odd day, and while I was busy I had the very distinct feeling of being disconnected, a little like watching myself go through the motions of different activities while I was unconsciously doing something else. My body was doing one thing while my mind was elsewhere. We have all been watching world events and participating in them energetically (this goes with the territory of being more inter-connected) because even if we are not directly involved, we are all energetically implicated. What happens to one happens to all of us.
I think it’s going to take some time for us to learn to be integrated in this way. We may not be active participants in what goes on in different parts of the world but we all feel the energy that is stirred up and we can have an impact by participating on an energetic level to create the outcomes that serve everyone. That doesn’t mean that we manipulate other people or situations. It begins with each of us creating joy, peace, and love in our own lives. As I shared yesterday, at the Outlander group dinner we were all together, sharing our common interest in these books and there was so much love energy present that I had to just sit and process the energy, sending it to each person and expanding it so that everyone could participate. It was such a wonderful feeling. And it began with me — I was happy to be there, enjoying meeting new people (and getting out of the house!), and being in my own joy and allowing it to expand to the rest of the group. ”
I realized that I had been running around town, going through the motions of daily life, and expanding my energy in exactly that way.
You don’t always notice that you are doing new things, you just do them.
If I had to label what the last couple of months have felt like, I’d say “constricted and expanding” and “like I’m processing a ton of energy but I don’t know why.”
Makes you wonder.