This Is What Happens To You When Your Husband Brings Home A Goat

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For those of you who are enamored with Calico the Goat, I’ve changed his name to simply (I got very creative here) Goat or Goatie, so as to differentiate him from the call,“Dogs!”  He seems to think that, in the absence of other goats, he is part of the pack.

I’ve decided to hand over the sandbox since a goat who litter box trains himself to go (from one end, anyway) into a box strikes me as something possibly supernatural along the lines of a Unigoraffe.

I know it’s not Thursday but the signs are coming in so fast I just felt I had to tell someone.

This morning I was reading Facebook on my phone, thinking about some fairly alarming news that I’d recently heard, and I walked in the front door to realize something was very wrong. The Jack Russell was inside the house, barking. I left the dogs and the goat outside when I took the kids to school this morning and then went to the gym. That meant…for up to three hours THE GOAT WAS IN THE HOUSE.

While my husband has been out of the country for a few days, all Goat Duty has fallen on me. Typical, just like the children, everyone listens to him (he’s loud and he looks like he means it) and no one listens to me.

Goats eat cigarettes if they can because they innately know that it’s a natural dewormer.  Imagine a goat with his front paws on your table, his nose stuck in an ashtray, chewing.

During his absence the goat has taken to STANDING ON MY GLASS TABLE on the porch. The one with the laptops, the phones, the bottled water, the coffee, and my paper calendar where everything I do is stored.

I have been cleaning goat poop off my feet, goat poop off my sandals, and goat poop off every floor surface in the house because the cats decided to pee on the rugs by the door so there’s nothing stopping anyone from dragging it all in. The back door to my house opens approximately 350 times a day, so that’s a lot of feet wiping that may or may not happen.

The cats are in revolt because of the presence of the goat.  There is nothing quite like the joy of stepping in cat pee in the middle of the kitchen floor while all you want to do is to get a goat pellet off the bottom of your foot.

All eyes turn to the husband – the man who brought home the goat against your will and very explicit instructions.  The man who said if you were allergic he would bring it back, and when you did turn out to be allergic to the peanut hay that comes with the goat, still find yourself with a goat.  The man who, when he is here, does sweep all of the goat poop off the porch, but who has been out of the country for four days, leaving you in charge of the goat.  The man who was willing to spend $1.99 a minute plus tax to Verizon to inquire about how his maggot flies have been breeding, and had I bought and delivered to them adequate melon for them so that they could mate (they need the scent to do so, apparently).  The man who actually held on the line while you answered his request to count how many “large ones” there were, as opposed to the medium-sized ones, all the while holding your breath because maggot stuff smells in a way I really cannot describe or compare to anything else.

The sad part of this story is that I cannot even yell at my husband for bringing home this goat (or breeding maggots, even, which are part of a hydroponics experiment)  because he’s the one who goes to work every day, he’s the one who keeps us afloat, and I’m merely the one left here to clean up all the messes associated with two small boys, three dogs, three cats, two turtles, and a goat – and stay on Fly Duty in his absence. I can’t yell at him because, for one thing I like him, and for another, the trip was very stressful for him, so if I ever want him to want to come home again, I cannot very well start yelling or complaining about the goat the moment he walks in the door or really – ever.

There are just some things that husbands and wives do.  Well, some of us, anyway.

I thought it was okay for a while because, after all, I could always mop down the porch with bleach, until I discovered that I couldn’t.  The little pellets have gotten stuck in the boardwalk-like planks that make up the porch, and until they dry up and fall through I’m thinking adding water to this situation would not be the smart thing to do.

The other thing that had me somewhat on edge was that I had started seeing fives everywhere.  I am not a fan of the five.  Fives mean Massive Change.  There are moments when massive change can be a good thing, and I am always optimistic that since I believe the universe has my back, that all things (ultimately) work for good.  However, we had just wrapped up some long-term serious issues, or at least, we thought we had, when something else fairly significant popped up.  Then the news over the weekend called into question the first item.  In the interim, everywhere I went, it went from being a 5 here or there to 55 to 5:55 to $55.55.  Thankfully it has not escalated to $555.55 just yet but I did get a bill for $575 so who knows.

My intuition at this stage is practically screaming at me.

I went to the bathroom for a moment and when I was done washing my hands, this is what was staring at me from the counter, popping up for no reason from my intuitive friend Frances’ Intuition For Moms page:

be open


The look on my face must have finally meant business because the goat and the dogs all shut up at once and went to lay down or generally scattered – and they haven’t been fed as they usually are when I get home.

I spent 30 minutes sweeping goat poop and cigarette butts off the porch floor, picked up my coffee cup that had been sent flying, and sat down to write, because honestly I cannot face what may have happened inside my house in my absence.

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  1. Lots of poop and pee. Poop and pee can be nourishing in the right place, and cleansing in another place, but a goddamn mess most places..

    Anyway, I’d build a pen for the goat. Or eat him.
    Michael recently posted..The Most Important Life LessonMy Profile

    • Michael, The pen is coming (in theory) when the husband has time, which based upon the three years it took me to get the central vac fixed (I finally called in service) might be some time. It’s hard to complain when he’s out working. Goat pen building is thus far not in my repertoire. Eating him might make the children cry. On the other hand, that might get the children in line (two birds, one stone)?

      Agreed on the poop and pee. He’s using the goat poop to feed the worms. The worms have something to do with feeding the fish and the fish have something to do with the hydroponics. I’m relying on him to save me if we ever have a zombie apocolypse.

    • Michael is right,if you cook the goat, I will eat him.

  2. Hi Julie

    Goats do real well with being tethered outside. We had goats and my dad would tether them where he wanted the weeds gone. I think you need to use the goat as a quiet lawnmower. They will eat anything they can get at, so can be very destructive. I totally understand the cats not wanting the goat in the house. Well maybe the kids can use the excuse that the “goat ate my homework”!

    Mary Stephenson recently posted..Who Goes There?My Profile

    • Mary, I will see if I can talk him into a tether. The trouble is, we have three dogs. The goat is fine now, but I’m not sure how fine he’d be as a tethered target! He does occasionally go into the yard and nibble the grass, but as he’s a dwarf goat, he’s not as sturdy and doesn’t eat everything like the full sized specimen. I am sure my 3rd grader would love that homework excuse!

  3. I keep telling you that you should write a book, but now I think you should write several books. The goat might warrant a book all by himself. I laughed out loud the whole way through. (Partly out of gratitude that I don’t have a goat.)
    Galen Pearl recently posted..Being a BlessingMy Profile

    • Yes, you should definitely be grateful you don’t have a goat!

      Oh those books are in the planning stages now…I have WAY too much material, thanks to my husband 🙂 Glad I could give you a laugh.

      • A book, definitely… especially if it gets turned into a TV show! Oh my gosh! HAHA! I was laughing and nodding my head in empathy. I’m sure that to you it can be very frustrating at times, Julie, but your choosing to make something good out of it–by sharing these episodes of your life with us and what you glean from these experiences–is a real blessing to your readers. I think that women, especially in our roles as wives and mothers (and caretakers of various furry family members) are often caught between the proverbial rock and a hard place, often sort of left behind to handle things. Sometimes it feels like sinking in turbulent quicksand, if such a thing could exist. And yet we live to see another day (of the same stuff!).
        I have to say that I greatly admire you for being able to, in the midst of this chaos, find a calm place within you that enables you to see the signs and be open to what may follow them. I subscribe to many newsletters but I look forward to reading your posts most of all. You truly have special gifts, and because you are open about your own experiences too, it gives what you teach and share with us more clarity and authenticity. Hugs and blessings to you.

        • Ayla, I am not sure anyone would be served by watching a tv show of my life!

          It crossed my mind recently that I am a Mom and I am a Blogger but I am not a Mommy Blogger. There are a lot of things that we all “are” or “do” every day but what makes us shine is to follow what we love in whatever way we can. This is what I love.

          I just need to ignore the other 5,000 things that come with it. Which I do remarkably well 🙂 Perhaps too well some days!

          Thanks for the kind comments.

  4. Be open To Whatever Comes Next is a great message and a motivator too. Probably not as motivational as a cranky goat, but close. 😉
    Josh recently posted..The Fryer In Fort WorthMy Profile

  5. What is behind door number two for Julie?
    My number was/is 711. That has meant massive change. Odd dreaming follows seeing that.
    Massive change can be terrifically motivating; it can also be terrifying in a ” we’re counting on you to drive us to safety in this stick shift car through this jungle with a dirt road – you only drive automatic but good luck” kind of way…
    Hang tight. Whatever happens, we’ve gotcha.

    • Anne, Oh that’s funny, I used to love the number 8 (infinity) when I was a kid and also 711, mainly because it meant comic books. 🙂 You know “your number” when you see it. Recently the fives have been followed by 333, which is comforting as the sign of the trinity. Ack – that driving analogy is something that would definitely terrify me! I’m assuming we’re being chased by dinosaurs or zombies or dancing purple unicorns or something…

  6. Oh my, lol….ya gotta awfully nice uhh err Goat there….? Lol….
    Speaking of numbers, I see numbers in triplicate ALL the time but ONLY when a problem is getting ready to arise. Seems like its a warning flag of sorts.
    I will start seeing numbers on the clock from the time I awake until bedtime.
    How do you know what “your” number is, when you see combinations of it all?

    Numbers almost scare me anymore:/
    Because when the first thing I see upon awakening is 10:10 and then 11:11 & 12:12 & 1:11 & 2:22, etc.
    I know something “not so good” is coming my way.
    I try NOT to think of numbers that way, but its getting tougher & tougher not to associate:(
    Uhh buoy, maybe I just need to suck the money up & get a reading…?

    • Lori, Now you see it just goes to show that numbers don’t mean the same thing to everyone, because when I see 10:10, 11:11, 12:12, 1:11 etc as if on repeat, I know it’s a good thing for me. Or I perceive it that way. I think that if you Google “angel numbers” you will find that all of their explanations start looking alike after a while.

      It’s one thing to “know” that 10:10 means something per Doreen Virtue, but if every time in your life 10:10 means something specific to you, then THAT’S obviously what you go with. I started associating 3:33 with the trinity and sure enough, every time that message needed to get across to me, my attention would be drawn to 3:33.

  7. Oops, meant to check tbe box for updates!
    Lol…looks like I might need serious coffee today?

  8. anonymouse says:

    Awww, the goat is getting in a little workout (top pic) . I know they smell pretty ripe, you must have thrown ipen a few windows that day!

    I admire resisting the urge to choose your husband to dump the blame here- and how you appreciate the big picture/what he is doing for you as well. No doubt he appreciates what you do at home; this sort of chaos can happen, especially in a home with two kids. Don’t I know it. goats here.

    I like the 555, I used to be freaked by it & think it ominous. But I learned a few years ago I ‘like’ change once I really thought about it. It’s lack of change I find more worrisome. I was seeing 5:55 on clocks a lot several months ago, even laughed (like a crazy) when it was on a receipt. I saw 11:11 a lot before and wondered oh that’s my master number (numerology) but then found out it can just mean ‘monitor your thoughts’.

    I love the resignation of just calling it ‘Goat’ BTW.. so funny. And it’s probably feeling like the other animals are it’s siblings/buddies right now.

    • Anonymouse, This is actually on my back porch, which is open air and also where I do all my writing and A Clear Sign readings. I took the photo from my chair, so yes, he was mooning me.

      I used to be the breadwinner and I had the better end of the deal because my behind was in an office chair all day in a nice, tall building with air conditioning and an ocean view. When I stopped working, my husband had to pick up all of the slack and accelerate his business, which is extremely tough and dirty work (he’s a contractor). So YES I appreciate the heck out of him because he busts his you-know-what for me and the kids. So if he wants a goat too, well…?

      Good for you for embracing change! If lack of change means boredom and going nowhere, then yes it is a good thing. I’ve had a bit too much change these last five years or so. Some calm would be a refreshing change of pace. But we need to go where we are led, so…

      Yes, he feels he is part of the dog “pack” now…so much so that I referred to him as having paws instead of hooves!

  9. Todd | Channelingmyself says:

    Hey Julie,

    It certainly does seem that the signs are pointing towards something big coming your way. Don’t the 555s mean buckle your seat belt? I’ve also been getting 5s and 7s as well as 4s and 1s. Keep us updated on what happens.
    Todd | Channelingmyself recently posted..What If Money Was No Object?My Profile

    • Hi Todd, Will do. Fives to me always feel like “impending doom” so yes “buckle your seatbelt” is probably apt. But you know what? I can’t be worried and borrow trouble. Hopefully the universe doesn’t hit me with any more than I can handle. Who knows, maybe this time it will be a giant blessing??

  10. Julie, I am sending you a big old hug – and some sweeping helper angels – it’s one pee pee poo poo situation (as our kids used to say) and I am sending LOVE, and promise to not tease or joke about the goat again. (but that was a very funny picture of it standing on the workout machine – as if!)
    Robin Hallett recently posted..Shine Bright Like a DiamondMy Profile

    • Hi Robin, Seriously this goat is on my last nerve. I met my husband for lunch today and AFTER I left the house he told me that he found the goat standing on his laptop this morning so I should always close the laptops and push in the chairs. Guess what I found when I got home 4 hours later? That’s right…poop on my laptop, agenda, and basically the entire table!

  11. You either really love your husband or you’re insane Julie! I think I’m going to go with the first one. I would just think that if he really loved you that this would have been discussed jointly and when you told him no he would have respected that decision and not brought the goat home.

    I’m one of those women that’s big on compromise but I’m also not taking any crap from anyone. If you don’t respect me then there are huge issues which is probably why I’m still alone. lol…

    I feel for you and so darn glad that’s not me. I love animals but that’s just too much for me. My dog never goes out in the house so I wouldn’t handle any of that very well.

    You’re an angel and you better show this to your husband when he gets home. You are an ANGEL!!!

    Adrienne recently posted..How To Easily Check For Broken CommentLuv LinksMy Profile

    • Adrienne, The question is probably who is crazier, me or him?!

      Yes you would THINK that a couple who had been together for 17 years would have that basic respect, joint preliminary discussions, and so forth, but let’s face it – we don’t always!

      Looked at another way, YES I could have sent the goat back (and may, still) but this earns payback points for when I screw up and need him to be understanding. Which, coincidentally, I did do in a very big way recently with the taxes and so the fact that I tend the goat probably avoided a serious argument. See how that all works out?! lol

  12. Ha! I totally sympathize with being Chief Zookeeper for a man who is gone a lot. Mine’s going on vacation next week, and I’m to be left home to watch all the feathered and furry kiddies, so I know how that is. No goats, though. I draw the line at goats. In fact, I draw the line waaaaay before goats. You can mail yours to my dad, though – he freakin’ loves ’em!

    P.S. the goat can’t get into your cigarettes if you don’t have any. I’ve heard they’re not all that good for you anyway. 😉
    Jennifer Flint ~ The Aura Reader recently posted..Tears for SpheresMy Profile

    • Jen, Why YES now that you mention it, I was aware of that whole cigarette thing. Ironically, the blog post I planned for this week (before I had the goat freakout and posted early) had a huge chunk in it about how I have to quit smoking. Your comment just being one in a series of signs in that direction 🙂

      I have offered the goat to many a person but so far, your Dad (or the original owners) wins.

      I used to be a line draw-er but I found myself alone a lot because I am not nearly charming enough to both be myself AND draw lines, and so here we are thirty years later or so and I have a goat 🙂

  13. Julie, you have my sympathies. And my gratitude. If my husband ever talks (again) about us getting a goat, I’ll just bring him to your blog! 😮
    Don’t you hate it when you see the number 5? It always scared me until one day when I realized that it could be GOOD change coming! And that time, it was! Hmm… do we manifest it or just follow the road signs?
    Lori Gosselin recently posted..Have You Ever Had a Recurring Dream?My Profile

    • Lori, Thankfully he is just a dwarf goat, and so is 90% less annoying than the real thing.

      We probably have a short hand with what I think of as our spiritual team, but others might think of as God, or the universe, or our soul…giving us a head’s up sometimes. I just have to remember that everything works for good. I am really glad I started this spiritual path when I did or I would not have prepared myself nearly adequately for what was coming up. Who know what the future brings? One thing I know – it won’t be boring!


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