Soul Mates, Romance, and Soul Level Appointments

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What is a Soul Mate?

The usual definition would be some romanticized notion that there is one person out there who is perfect for you, and when you find them, you will be completed.

Rubbish.  Garbage.  Nonsense.

You are already perfect just as you are.

How many times have you met someone and felt like you’ve met them before?  You feel like you’ve been struck by a bolt of lightning.  This person is IT.  You’ve found them!  Fate has brought you together.  You feel a magnetic pull toward them.  They “get” you.  There is no end of things to talk about.  The whole world looks different to you just because this person has suddenly made an appearance.

Or not.

There is a lot of science behind what makes relationships work or not, too – women actually choose men as marriage partners based in part on how they smell.  It’s a biological checkpoint that tells her if you will produce healthy children or if you come from bloodlines that are too close or incompatible.

It can turn out that it was a crush, or the timing was wrong, or when you got to know them you didn’t really like them after all.  Many times these turn out to be “unrequited love” scenarios, and when you do finally settle down with someone, many years later you still slightly wistfully think of the one who got away.

So, if there are many people out there who you could feel very happy with (there are), then why does this one stick out like a sore thumb?

Why do you feel such a strong connection?

Did you know him or her from a past life?

If you aren’t really meant to be together and suitable for each other, why did he or she show up?

These super powerful connections can be interactions that we set out for ourselves.  You may need to have an experience with this person in order to learn something that will be necessary when “the one” comes along.  There may be something wonderful for you in this relationship but there is a crucial piece that doesn’t fit, and you are meant to have the challenge to let them go for a good reason.  Perhaps they showed up at a certain time in order to reflect certain things back to you that you need to see, like a mirror.

Sometimes very important relationships are not the long lasting, forever kind.  That doesn’t mean that they didn’t play a very important part in our evolution.

I have heard and tend to believe that we have made some arrangements which are commonly known as Soul Level Agreements or Appointments.  Basically, before you were born you and the other soul made a deal to run into each other to teach each other some things and have a learning experience, exchange some “energy”.  Based on my own experience, I believe this happens with all kinds of relationships, not just the romantic ones.

How can you tell if someone is meant to be with you?

Here’s a story of someone who was not a soul mate or even someone to have a romantic relationship with, but it really looked like it.  All the signs were there, but they were false.

They went to the same college at the same time but never met.  Through a fluke, she moved half way across the country for work and brought in an old college friend, who brought in his college friend. 

The two became great friends.  She moved away.  A few years later, she got a job opportunity in a completely different part of the country.  He was still working for the same company, but in that different city.  She moved a few blocks away from him.  They saw each other every day, played sports together, went to the gym together, he took her all over the city and introduced her to his friends and life, but he never asked her out on a date.  One day she ran into him on the street, he called her name, she tuned around, and suddenly she got “that feeling.”

No matter how close they became, it never became romantic.  She moved away again and came back for a wedding.  While she was in town, he suggested she stop by and meet the new love in his life, who eventually became his wife and mother of his children.

When the door opened and the women were introduced, they looked each other up and down.  They looked so much alike, they could easily have been sisters.  Maybe twins.  They wore the same kind of clothes, had the same style, worked in the same kind of job, had the same color and style of hair.  Everything.

Suddenly she realized that perhaps this was not just a crush that she had that he did not return.  Nonetheless, they each went their own way, she found someone else and had her own family with someone completely unlike him, and they speak or email once every few years, if that.

You don’t have to believe in reincarnation, soul groups, soul mates, or soul agreements to accept this as a working theory.  Most people, if they look back very closely, can see there was a pattern that needed to be broken, some things that needed to be learned and understood, some mistakes and errors in judgement that they made along the way.  They will also admit to intense attraction, and can usually name one or two relationships that stand out like no other in their intensity.

Think back on that most intense and meaningful relationship or encounter and ask yourself, what did you learn?  Maybe strength, compassion, how to relax and have fun, or simply that you wouldn’t accept someone with an addiction into your life.  It could be many things.

You exchange energy in all of the relationships you have, not just the romantic ones.  You probably don’t know what you’re bringing to the table or that you agreed ahead of time to show up here now.  You show up, you do your thing, and you move on – sometimes the appointment lasts for a minute and sometimes it lasts for 30 years.  How simple or complex was the need?

The strong connection or the charge you feel is a reflection that this encounter was supposed to happen and provides something that you need at the time.

If there is a lot of energy to exchange, you will figure that out – those are the long lasting relationships.  This is something that can be identified in a Relationship Reading.
It can also be that we’ve run into someone that we have shared past lives with, so when we meet them, they are very familiar and comforting.  That causes us to feel like we’ve “come home.”  That doesn’t mean that we’re meant to spend this lifetime with them.
You’ll know it if you are in a relationship where the learning has stopped.  Difficult and tough relationships are sometimes the ones where you are learning the most.  If you are in such a relationship. you might consider if you really want to leave before the lessons are learned.  Are you truly willing to look at what this person is showing you about yourself?  Check with yourself in the mirror before you go, because you just may be getting a reflection back of yourself that you really need to see.  Otherwise, guess who you may just meet next time?  Another person who will repeat the same cycle or process with you!  You don’t want that.  Learn the lessons so you can grow and make peace.
Have you ever had a lightning bolt strike you in the form of another person?  Was it easier or harder to manage if you were already involved with someone else?  Was there “the one who got away”?  Or did you find your love on the first try?  Tell me about it in the comments and let me know what you think about soul agreements.
Image Credit:  my dear friend Kyla Gunter
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  1. kdivasilver says:

    Oh my. I am so going through this right now. I had a relationship with someone who is likely my twin flame, with whom I had a Soul Level Agreement–he was sure we'd met in previous lives. But I had to break it off after a year, partly because there were too many things still for me to learn about myself and I couldn't learn then when with him. From your definition, I was learning a lot–it was at times a very difficult relationship.

    And I've been learning a lot in the last six months–about how important it is to hold onto myself, keep myself intact while still loving another. This past weekend, though, I was aching for the connection we had–it was unlike anything I'd known. And we're talking again, coming slowly back into each others' lives (I had to have distance to learn) on a different basis–as friends, as people who care about each other and are there for each other. And our connection is still there, still profound, but it's more solid since I'm there as an equal. And that was something vital I had to learn.

    Interestingly, he learned a lot too–about boundaries and about not cutting off. When previous relationships had ended, he had cut the person out of his life. But he couldn't do that with me; it would have felt like an amputation. And that whole process of evolving from one type of relationship to another has been a period of growth for him as well.

    I love your opening, by the way–that there is one person who will complete us? Rubbish! We are perfect just as we are. And learning that, and believing it, may well be what life is all about.

  2. I completely agree here. Interestingly (or perhaps not), the most popular article on my blog is "signs you've met your soulmate". At least that's what analytics tells me. It seems that most people navigate through life looking for "the one" when really, there isn't just that ONE. Well, I suppose there are twin flames, but that's a whole 'nother article, isn't it?

    When I first met my partner who I was with for 8 years, I knew instantly that I loved her. It took me a whole week to tell her so, too. A week! I was either insane or I just…knew. I like to think it was the latter. Turns out we've shared many past lives together and in this life we're still teaching each other and learning from each other, even 13 years after we met (even though we're no longer together).

    I have so many "soul mate" stories — I like to call them Soul Contracts…same as Agreements, different word! Where I've met people and just knew instantly that they'd be someone important to me. Or I felt that instant 'tingle' and knew that we'd met in previous lifetimes.

    Your friend Kyla's picture is awesome! Tell her I said so. 🙂
    My recent post What to do when your spirit guides won’t talk to you

    • so thinking of my connection with a man over a year ago – i clicked on the month we engaged with each other and THIS article comes up.

  3. Lindsay,

    Thanks for sharing the story! Sometimes it's the acquaintances that we run into for just a few moments that make the big shifts, but someone reminded me that I had never addressed romantic relationships before. Oversight!

    I wish Kyla lived nearer than the UK or I would have her take a photo of me for the blog. I have a disgracefully limited number of pictures that I am actually in.

  4. Thanks for sharing your story as well. They can be tough, can't they! Just see where it leads…

  5. You brought up some really thought-provoking points AND not so ironically, they are quite relevant to my life right now. Decisions, decisions, decisions is what I'm currently going through. And, really doing my best to sort out the lessons that are in it for me — what ultimately I'm supposed to be learining from my committed relationship, and how to proceed in the next step of our relationship. Great piece, Julie.

  6. BTW… Julie, many of the points you brought up is reminding me of a movie I saw just the other day starring Matt Damon, "The Adjustment Bureau." The premise is about fate, destiny, soulmates, love and our choices, our free will within the "bigger scheme" "bigger picture". The issues of soulmates, fate, destiny, choice, free will, divine Blueprint, soul contracts, Spirit Guides, and even the Akashic Records — all of it is in this movie. I find it no accident that these themes are currently impressing themselves upon me. 🙂

  7. Hey Julie,
    I get the lightning bolt sensation sometimes when I meet a person. It can be a friend or just someone who I am meeting for the first time. It's an inner knowing that I have met this person before.

  8. I was going through some of my old posts when I found some comments from you, Julie. I thought I'd stop by and say hey!

    I really like this post. I don't know how much I believe in past lives (literally don't know – undecided), but there are certainly people that we feel more of an intuitive connection with.

    That being said, I don't engage in committed relationships these days so my dynamics a little bit different. If I was to find someone else that I was really interested in, I'd always have the option of going to seek that person – even if I was with someone else.

    It really works for me because I don't like the restriction of picking one person at a particular point in time and making a commitment stay with them forever. I only stay as long as feels right, and the same for them.

    I do often wonder if I were to find the "one", would I become committed to them? I suppose it wouldn't matter, because it would always feel right to be with them, so there would never be any reason to split.

    Yup, that works for me. 😛

  9. There have been moments where I have really wondered about the connection with someone else. Moments where I felt like it couldn't be deeper and more complete and the feeling never disappeared.

  10. AClearSign says:

    Hi Gina,

    I loved that movie. It is a great representation of what happens "behind the scenes" to move us in the right direction. Most people would be amazed if they really knew and understood the forces present in our lives available to help and guide us. Let me know if I can be of any help. Thanks for stopping by.

  11. AClearSign says:


    I love how that works. Many women get confused over this when they meet a man who they have a connection with like that, before they are in a committed relationship or marriage. They tend to feel like it has to be romantic or sexual when it isn't like that at all. I feel a lot of confusion and pain could be avoided if people were ready to understand that those connections have something else going on behind the scenes.

  12. AClearSign says:

    Hi Fred,

    Glad to see you here, and that you are back to posting again. I will stop by for a visit.

    Probably when you are ready, commitment will happen. Things change a lot over a lifetime, including our own perspectives on these things. In the meantime, we are meant to enjoy the journey, right?

  13. AClearSign says:

    Hi Jack,

    Yes, your romanticism really shines through in your writing in the most unique way, which is probably one part of why people are so drawn to what you are doing on your blog.

    Your connections – those are probably the people you have known before, and the ones you have an appointment to meet. I have some that I could count on one hand where "the feeling never disapeared". What's interesting (to me) is that the more a person embraces the possibility held within the spiritual realm, the more of these people show up in our lives, as if by design. Which it probably is.

  14. AClearSign says:

    Hi Sol,

    I totally agree, obviously. A partner or husband or wife doesn't have to be a "soul mate" at all, even though we may have traveled around with them a time or two before. The closest ones that mean the most to me so far have been my male friends.

  15. I certainly have a different view on the 'soul mate' thing than it is often described. You know, the 'One' and all that. It can just as well apply to friends and/or family.

    So in this sense, 'mate' is more synonomous to 'comrade','friend', than it is to 'romantic partner'. Now, I'm not saying that there aren't any romantic soul mates but that the definition is broader than that.
    My recent post Caring For Social Anxiety

  16. Hi Julie,

    I agree that relationships, no matter the type, are always learning experiences for us in this lifetime. I think where many of us fail is that we don't see that relationship as a way to grow.

  17. Marcus Baker says:

    Hi Julie,

    Loved this post. I believe our relationships come about for our mutual learning but I didn't always know this.

    When I was younger I thought it was all about finding the perfect match so I was always very disappointed when it all came tumbling down around my ears.

    After a number of relationships I was able to look back and see the common thread and then little by little I learned how to break dysfunctional patterns.

    Now days whenever I meet someone no matter what the context I am very aware that there is something to be learned so I am far more alert and present in relationships.


  18. Fred Tracy says:


    I've been back to posting for awhile now, slacker! 😛

    Or maybe that makes me the slacker.

    Haha take care.

  19. Thanks for this post, Julie. I have been struggling with “the one who got away” feeling for 2 years now since I met someone and 3 years since I had a “vision/premonition” about my interactions with him. Our only contact was e-mail and talking in person for 4 hours. After trying to be a supportive friend, I stopped contact with him a year ago because I knew he was involved with someone and I wanted to be that someone. Even though I have met others, had a 4-month relationship in the intervening time, and have done all sorts of letting go exercises, visualizations and prayers, I cannot shake my initial impression that the connection I experienced with this person was the most powerful of my life. I keep wondering whether my mind has created some completely false scenario that is some fantasy that addresses something in me and has nothing to do with what I perceived in him, or what exactly to do with this experience other than keep trying to let it go.

    Any suggestions for letting go exercises? I think I’ve tried them all, but sometimes the more I try to let go, the more the energy seems to stick around.

    • Hi Erin,

      I never really thought about doing exercises. I guess when I have had these experiences myself, which admittedly was a reeeaaaalllly long time ago so I may not remember very clearly, I just let them be, filled up my life with my own stuff, and worked on finding the next one 🙂

      You see, there IS always “the next one.” When people aren’t the right fit as a long term or marriage partner, then they’re not. Presumably, someone else is. They may or may not light up the life in a spiritual way, but as you raise your vibration you tend to start matching up with (recognizing) more of the “right” people,

      So I am suggesting that you go out more, get exposed to more people, and it probably wouldn’t hurt to have a chat with your team along the lines of,”Is there something else I need to do before I am ready, and if so, what?” My Mom once gave me a poem along the lines of the right person and I are being brought together on the checkerboard of life. So, if they’re still on the far square maybe just trying asking, you know?

  20. I believe in soul mates. I met quiet a few guys, so handsome and sexy but did not feel that feeling that I had with one guy with whom I shared only “hello how are you.”
    Not bad but not the most handsome as well, I rejected him and I felt overwhelmingly sad and lonely after that. Everyone is screaming his name out where ever I go, what ever I do and what ever I watch.
    Television Internet my places books just to name a few. First I got surprised and thought as coincidence. Later I started ignoring them. But I know when is he appearing again, I’ll get his vision few days before he appears. Sometimes, the emotions barges on me overwhelming and I quietly say, pls go away.
    Tears falls down for no apparent reason. I felt like wilted flower when he disappeared after the rejection.
    I am keeping my self busy to get away from this feelings.
    I might be his love in past life but I am not the right person for him in this life I know.
    He deserves better than me.

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