“Beautiful liar. Gorgeous teller of tall tales. I’m still clapping at the wonderful show you put on for me.” – Erin Van Vuren
When I started meeting men to even consider dating, I inadvertently made a huge mistake by asking not to read them.
It felt unfair, to have the advantage of being an intuitive. A professional intuitive, at whatever level. I am always overly cautious about not invading someone else’s energetic space or reading them without permission, but I discovered in the process that is not really possible. It boils down to Intent.
What tends to happen is that I see exactly what someone wants, needs, or is willing for me to see. It may be their guide team giving me information, but essentially the person has to be open to providing the information, albeit usually unconsciously.
By shutting down my intuition I only hurt myself.
I didn’t really do it intentionally, but I realized what I had done when I ran into Billy.
“I’m tired of playing foolish games. I’m tired of all your lies making me insane. I don’t ask for much, the truth will do just fine.” – Lay It On The Line
I went into dating knowing that I had no idea what I was truly looking for, but that Spirit was going to show me a lot. Sometimes I think that all of the lessons that have been pouring in have little to nothing to do with dating per se, but it is more like the vehicle I am currently using to learn a lot about human nature that I simply had never experienced before.
I know a lot about many things, and I have always had a lot of men friends, but I was aware of a level of naivete that was pretty astonishing for someone my age when it came to dating. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to leapfrog into a lovely relationship with the right man on the level I wanted, because I could easily see I was nowhere near the level I needed to be for the match I knew was out there waiting on me to catch up.
As reported to you here and there, I’ve met various types of men over the months and started a relationship with none of them, other than a handful of very limited friendships of the “if I see you around town, I’ll wave” variety.
Each one had some kind of information for me, a little lesson, sort of like stepping stones up a very steep mountain, but I was still at the base.
Then I met three men all at once and I knew lessons were accelerating because the issue of “showing up” arrived.
Actually, it’s a relief.
Everything seemed to be happening at once. My dad went into the hospital. My day job got insanely busy. My kids had school projects and dentist appointments. One of my husband’s young relatives needed to come to live with us because he was getting out of rehab. I finally got that elliptical I was complaining about and was able to start exercising again in earnest. All the dogs got fleas that cannot be eradicated no matter what I do and would keep me up all night chewing themselves to death. And the three men.
They seemed to balance each other out. One was sweet (well, kinda – he actually energetically looks like 100 men to me, and I’m honestly not sure yet who he really is). One was brilliant but distant, biding his time until the summer when my kids will be overseas with their dad and I actually have time to go out.
And then there was Billy.
For a time there, he showed up for me in such a huge way that it was brilliant.
Whatever this connection, this conversation, was…it was intense, it was consuming, and it was a lesson for me so huge that I will never forget it.
My husband was a lot of things, not all of them very good for me, but up until the end (and even now, in many ways) he was Dependable.
The first time Billy and I were supposed to meet, we had what seemed like a work scheduling conflict and I didn’t think anything of it. On subsequent attempts, it became very clear to me that he wasn’t going to be able to show up for me. I don’t think he was actually supposed to.
The funny thing is, I had others who were trying to take me out but I pushed them aside for Billy. I knew whatever this was, I had to finish it first.
One day, he made a big declarative statement and I wondered what was going on, but I knew it was something big. He disappeared, as spectacularly as he had arrived.
“I’ve been wondering if all the things I’ve seen were ever real, were ever really happening.” – Every Day Is A Winding Road
Have you ever had something happen, or met someone, and after it was done you almost had to pinch yourself, knowing that it happened, but being uncertain that it actually did, almost like a dream?
From the moment he told me his name, I felt it wasn’t. I knew something was off or wrong, and I didn’t exactly ignore the red flags, it was more like I was in one of those plays where the actors make up their lines as they are performing. This was one of those times where I willingly participated, instead of sitting on the sidelines. Once he was gone, I started to realize the myriad of things that he taught me.
Now I can move along to the others who have been waiting. And I can actually show up for them.
We don’t meet people by accident. They are meant to cross our paths for a reason. I met one such person yesterday and tried his patience. I imagine many whom I have met recently would say the same thing.
I can only be where I am right now, and I have to honor myself first, but at the same time I really fall down in some areas and disappoint people who would like me to be able to give more than I can in that moment. I may physically show up, but it’s going to take time to build trust.
The only thing I can do is be honest and if I need more time, ask for it. They have the choice to give me a second chance, or a few more chances, or not. When I let someone in, they are all in, I cannot do superficial. For me, that takes time. I don’t need to jump from the frying pan into the fire, I’d rather take my time and allow them to leave if they need to. One thing I have learned is that if this one goes by, the next one will be by in a moment, so it’s just a matter of waiting for the one who will guide me to the next step.
I’d like to think that getting to know me is worth the effort, but it’s not going to be for everyone. I have been doing a lot of deep work with some friends and with the relative who is staying with me. Some of these relationships are with equals, where we share and learn in tandem as an ongoing process. Others are those where I lead and teach and the other person follows and learns.
Suddenly I met someone who taught me. Well, maybe there is a little of both going on, but clearly he was sent to help me and has already done so. I do have a hard time taking. Some relationships are imbalanced, but it is supposed to be that way. I am used to giving my all, I am comfortable with that. I am not so comfortable with the reverse, because it feels like I am not holding up my end. I am going to have to get used to that and be a follower for once, and allow myself to be led to wherever we go next.