I am turning fifty on Friday. Knowing I am not making it to 100, it forced me to consider where I stand, what else I want to do and feel compelled to do, and take my temperature, get some coordinates.
I’ve recently re-discovered Tarot as “the system” Robert Ohotto said I’d find and discover, as a way to ground down my intuition as I read for others and myself.
Why wouldn’t my Guides just tell him it was Tarot, which was a tool I have been using since childhood, since my mother was an expert Tarot reader and she introduced me to it?
I suspect it was because I needed to learn Reiki along the way, in the process of looking for The System, and also to delve a little deeper into Astrology, which is another tool I learned from her and have had around me since I was a kid.
Why Reiki? I know for certain that The Virgo needs it and that I need it, for starters. It is a pretty simple thing to call on the Reiki Masters for help, and have faith that the energy flows where it should and is needed. Again, it is like being a conduit of information, just like I am when Spirit speaks to me through all of the Clairs as needed when I am doing intuitive work for others, which I feel very strongly is my calling.
It’s hard to deny these things and it takes years of practice to understand that you have to feel it, observe it, call it in, and then it just comes to you out of the blue, too – but you have to be attentive all of the time, because you never know when you will be called on to help. Whatever it is, you have to say it like you see it, you have to deliver the information on command, you have to be in divine truth and you know it when you see it.
There are so many hurdles to overcome and lessons to learn when Spirit taps you on the shoulder as a messenger of the divine. It is a process that pretty much seems to take years, and it cannot be rushed, but you learn to have faith as to the integrity of the messages as you go.
I am still sort of thrilled every time things come through in new ways, and no matter what you want to say about The Virgo, I have been astonished by the new things he has (unbeknownst to the man) shown me. From apparating in my bedroom, to being able to see him with crystal clear vision like a very sharp movie is playing in my head, and then seeing what I look like to him, as I look through his eyes. These intuitive ways of seeing are new to me and it really is thrilling. I can’t tell you why it comes through him, it just does, but I bet these things are the equivalent of new skills that possibly I will be able to use with others.
There is stuff that I “just know” and am “unafraid to speak to” no matter what it looks like or how unlikely it seems or no matter how much someone doesn’t want to hear it or believe it and no matter how much I love them and just want them to be happy.
When new things happen, or information comes through in such a stunning way like you have never seen before, you know something is afoot and you are changing and growing. Being upleveled, or open wider or becoming more connected.
I Am Not Surprised
I got to say “I am not surprised” twice recently, to two of my friends. One who has no clue about how intuition works for me or that I do this work – and it is so hard to explain then how I “just know” things. I am not always right on target, sometimes breaks are needed when the relationship is so intense, you have to distance yourself to get some perspective as to what is really going on. But still there are certain aspects to what is happening between you that you are just certain of, even if you don’t know yet what the truth really is or where it is going or why you’ve come to know them. The basics won’t be denied.
It is like when certain people leave your life for a while and then come back, they expect you to be surprised about their return, but I rarely am. I know when “we are not done yet” and so I may not know for certain why I know them or exactly what the work is we are doing together, but I do know that of course they are coming back at some point, to do the work. I told one friend recently that it – the relationship, the pull to come together even though it is not logical and we don’t know why – will not end until the work is done. He asked what I thought we were going to do. I gave him a quick response, but it is not all I know. I wasn’t sure he was even ready to hear that, so I tried to keep it light. Sometimes these things scare people, especially when they have no frame of reference or it bumps up against their belief systems in a tough way.
I will still always say that once you see it, it is best to listen and do the best you can to work with it, because the lesson WILL be learned, and it keeps coming at you in tougher and more difficult ways until you get the anvil to the head…and that just hurts. You can’t make anyone open their eyes and see, though. We have all learned things the hard way, and sometimes it can’t be stopped or helped because we all have to do our own work in our own way and in our own time.
My other friend had something happen to which I just said “yup” because I knew it would happen like the day follows the night. We’d talked about it long ago, and like so many things that happen with him we can always look back years and say,”Remember when you said this might happen?” and I have to say I do.
The interesting part is that when you partner with someone to work together it comes through differently for each person. For some I can say it when I think it because they are tough and can take it, and I don’t need them to “believe me.” It is like something to put in their back pocket for when the time comes. They will see it when it comes about, months or years later, and it is like a guidepost for them. Aha, here is where we are, here is what that meant. Then they can use their freewill and follow their own counsel, but they will not be overly surprised, or at least not thrown completely, when it happens, because they knew for a while that it was a strong possibility on the trajectory of their life.
With others I sometimes feel at first that I have to be gentle or hold back the information until something happens to them and the time is right for them to ask me. Often they still do not hear it or accept it when I give them the answer. God love these people because I say lovingly that I have been them, and they are on their way to the anvil to the head. I can just try to help, but I cannot stop it because they do not have ears to hear yet. Someday, I am pretty confident that they will.
I reminded myself when the going got tough with one such friend, that God would not have sent me to them if I didn’t have the skill set to help them, if I was not the right one. So when I feel like I am failing to get the message through, I remind myself of this and return to my faith. I know their guidance team and mine will be right there when the time comes, and they will help me break through – just the messenger.
Thoughts On Turning Fifty And Recovering From Divorce
Once you get past the divorce itself you eventually wake up one day from your fog and realize that if your life is not going the way you wish, it is now just up to you and you have no one else to blame. It’s a sobering thought.
I’ve always thought I’d die in my early 70s, so that gives me maybe 20 years or so to wrap up this work, do what I came here to do, raise my kids and think about what experiences I’ve had on hold because I was with someone who just refused to participate in life the way I wanted to.
With the added responsibilities of being a single mother with no one but my almost 82-year-old Dad to lean on, it’s easy to say I can’t go out and do what I want, to feel locked down, because I always have the kids and my job and the house and the pets.
But what good does it do them if they are just doing their own thing and so am I? They might as well have a babysitter, and thankfully I’ve found a reliable one, finally. It is expensive, and it feels funny to spend $100 to go out once and maybe it is a bad date, or maybe you just go to a friend’s house and watch a movie. But I do need to be social and so I will just look at it like money well spent.
Sometimes I don’t take action and I let things ride. I never used to do that. I used to track my investments every week and make phone calls and consider the best moves. Then everything fell apart spectacularly – on more than one occasion – and I said to myself,”Self, that was a hell of a lot of work you put in, and ten years later you lost everything, making your gain one only of experience, but did you spend your time well after all?” and I pretty much had to say no.
So I find myself now being a little uncertain about falling apart in the “taking action” department, but I wonder if I am being lazy or if I am just trying to hear what Spirit is trying to tell me, and getting out of the way of the bulldozer. I feel like maybe – perhaps – I am supposed to stand on the sidelines a little bit, relax, and observe, and have faith that when I need to move, I will. There is a little bit of that feeling like I don’t want to make a move because it might interfere with the trajectory of my life, which I don’t really understand very well right now. I don’t want to mess it up by meddling in my own experience, and having to re-do, because I have been waiting long enough. There is some kind of balance there between action and non-action and I am trying to find it.
I want to make the most of the time I have left, but I don’t want to push the river, I want to float downstream on my raft and easily flow around the mountains, doing my work, listening to God, and being at one with the universe as much as I can.