If I look back on a year ago, my how everything has changed.
When the outer life changes, we change, too.
We can do it by running around like nuts, trying to plug the hole in the dike with our finger.
We can do it by coming to a screeeeeeching HALT, observing what Life is trying to show and tell us.
We can run to our Addict.
Cry with our Victim.
Crank up the music and try to cheer ourselves out of it.
There are a million ways, a thousand layers, just one us though.
I like to look around at what is calling me out, showing up repeatedly to get my attention. It’s a series of things that reminds me that just like Hobbes, I want a big sunny field to “be” in. I am bored to death of people who chase “riches and power” – when they want me to be interested in those things, too. Yes I LIKE riches, insofar as – if I had them – it would give me more time in the big sunny field! There is no such thing as safety and security in this world. There is no such thing as control. Sure there are people acting out power and control. It’s their little drama, part of their plan. If you should happen to be an entrepreneur raking in the cash, living your dream, yay! For you! But don’t ask me to get excited about accounting or visiting clients to sell them insurance, because I just cannot – anymore. I used to.
In the end, what matters is what you are called to, what’s in YOUR life plan, and that may have much more value – to you – than someone else’s plan. It has little to nothing to do with cash money, but of course we need money to live on, money is a lovely neutral energy exchange. Do not confuse it with worth, however.
Right now I’d like nothing better than a half day schedule, earning what I need to right now, having some structure, but having half a day so I could exercise, and so I could take my kids to afternoon kid things, and so I could clean up.
In the future, I have some ideas of things I am meant to do. I’d like to think that they are possible, that some day they will come to fruition, but not today.
Today I have a lot of messages pouring in that are about waiting, noticing, getting healthy, digging out some things from the past that are irking me on the subcutaneous level, and waiting for further instruction as to timing. There’s an element of letting other people have their space to do what they need to do, and maybe coming together later on, maybe not.
I have had an avalanche of people from my past coming to visit, or calling. I see childhood friends as part of our soul group, those who we once banded together with and learned what it meant to be friends. I wonder if we’re all coming together again in our middle age to close out some of those chapters, or just to remind each other of who we really are, before we grew up and lost some of that precious clarity that is the wonder of youth.
I have been so sick that I’ve looked at a bottle of water and been unwilling to take a sip, afraid of what my body was going to do next.
The day after my husband arrived for a long visit, the flu felt like my body was purging 20 years worth of energy, violently. It didn’t escape me that my kids both had it but neither was in the ballpark of being as sick as I was and that it hit exactly when my husband arrived. Thankfully he was here to take care of the kids because there was absolutely nothing I could have done for them, barely being alive myself. I slept for two days and nights straight, except for when I had to get up to be sick, and I lost 14 pounds in the process.
Everyone around me is on their last tether. Whether it’s wanting to quit (all at once), or their life being a series of disasters and unwelcome events that have culminated in being evicted (or nearly so), or just being so exhausted you can’t function, like me.
Then there has been a spate of novel publishing going on! I have had three memoir, non-fiction and fiction drafts given to me in the last month, just from friends.
It’s like everyone is birthing their babies, whether it’s a memoir that cathartically tells their history so it can be behind them, or a refusal to carry on as they have been going.
The reset button has been pushed in many a life.
We like to think we know where we are going, but lately I have had one surprise after another.
Yesterday I was standing in a twenty minute line at Jersey Mike’s, wishing I didn’t have to go back to work because I have been so tired all I have been capable of is leaning back in my chair and trying to get a 5 minute cat nap so I could maybe be more alert. While in line, I realized that without meaning to, I was reading everyone around me, by their energy.
My internal dialogue was saying things like,”Wow, he looks like a trained killer, maybe military, he is so uptight. That guy’s energy is like a deep freezer. The guy he’s sitting with is even scarier. Thank God for the guy sitting at the next table, he’s balancing the whole room.”
I NEVER think like this. There is no conscious program running in the back of my mind that takes the temperature of the whole room in this level of specificity. I might walk in and notice the overall sense of what the room “feels like” but I don’t intrude on people’s lives. Trust me, I have way too much going on in my own to notice everyone else’s.
But something had changed. I could and did, without wanting to, read every person in the place who popped out at me. Why, I have no idea. One of life’s little surprises.
I was reading people’s thoughts, too.
Life is nothing if not interesting and ever-changing. So if you happen to be playing the waiting game, having nothing show up to the point that you are beyond froozlestrated, or watching everything you love leave your life until it feels like a vacuum, just give it a little more time. You’ll be glad you did. Something is waiting to come in and shake everything up.
Who knows what’s on the other side?!